Behind the Scenes

I'm moving

2011-01-19T19:23:00.004+08:00

I am not sure how many readers there are of this blog. For those of you who read this, thank you very much for sharing my stories... But it is hard to maintain two blogs. From now on, I intend to focus on just one. So I am migrating to www.luxevanity.blogspot.com.
It will be my fashion/feminine/shopping blog...

Toodles! Mwah <3

Singlish No More

2011-01-16T22:42:00.001+08:00

I have decided to stop using Singlish for a while. Ever since I got to Singapore, I felt that my English has been constantly deteriorating. My usage of English words, phrases, and idioms has significantly weakened as can be seen in my writings. I have also been stuttering as I speak lines and lines of straight English and have been using the wrong words frequently. I know what they say, that when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but I don’t think I should continue doing it here. My English and my communication skills in general are suffering. I need to put a stop to this.

The first step to curbing my current Singlish addiction is to re-watch Audrey Hepburn’s My Fair Lady. In that movie, Audrey Hepburn plays the role of Eliza Doolittle, a lowly flower girl who is taught proper phonetics and is transformed to a dignified lady. Hopefully, after watching this, my pronunciation can be corrected and I can once again be influenced to start speaking proper English.

The second step is to use proper English in speaking to my Singaporean counterparts. In the past, I have always resolved to using Singlish when talking to them as I feel it helps us communicate better. Luckily, I am able to control what accent I use in speaking to different groups of people. However, I feel that I am slowly losing control, hence, I need to stop and go back to my original accent before it is too late.

Lastly, I need to read more books to brush up on my English writing. I used to be able to write good articles, worthy of being published in newsletters. With my current state of writing, I can’t get my writing anywhere other than my personal blog and diary.

Singlish, I shall bid you goodbye today.

Why People Settle

2010-12-06T13:15:00.000+08:00

I had a productive shopping spree yesterday at Powerplant Mall @ Rockwell yesterday with my brother and my mom. To put a wonderful end to a great shopping spree, we went to Chelsea Market Cafe at The Fort to eat dinner. (http://chelseamarketcafe.com/menus.html)

I got to taste two very interesting dishes. The first one is risotto balls. It is made up of sticky rice used to make risotto, rolled into a ball coated with breadcrumbs, fried to a crisp, and filled with cheese inside. It was heavenly.

The second one was chocolate dipped crispy bacon waffles. The bacon was fried (or baked, I’m not really sure) to perfection, making it really crispy, after which the top half was dipped in rich chocolate. The combination of sweet and salty was perfect for the palate.

Okay, enough about the food, since that is not the purpose of this blog entry.

While having dinner, I could not help but overhear the conversation of the couple over at the next table. (The tables were very close to one another and not because I was being a busybody!) I am not really sure how the conversation started, but somehow, they ended up talking about how people make choices. The guy made a very good point. He said, “Often times, we don’t know what we want, we only know what we don’t want.”

It made perfect sense. This is so true, especially for us fresh graduates trying to look for a job, or high school students applying to university. We are given so many choices and we try to pick those that we should apply for, and almost always end up applying to a multitude of unrelated positions. Whichever one we get is irrelevant, as long as we get something.

We begin to settle. We no longer want to think about what we really want to do. We are ready to do whatever job it is that we don’t mind doing. We all have a mental list of things that we really don’t want to do, such as be a construction worker, a clerk, a cleaner, and all those dead-end low paying jobs. We will accept everything else.

I guess it is true when my friend told me, “ I really respect you. What you are doing is hard, but at least you know what you want to do. Most of us don’t even know what we want.”

Redefining Accomplishments

2010-12-01T15:19:00.002+08:00

I have said countless times that my mom has been neglected by the times. She has long been surpassed by her peers in terms of economic stability and success in life. In high school and university, she was the type to be voted “Most Likely To Succeed, “ but look at her now.

A lot of her friends have now become citizens of the world, well-read, well-traveled, financially independent, with assets to their names, whereas my mom is still tied up in this little dilapidated hellhole.

I have been thinking…. And something struck me. Is it fair for me to make claims that I just made? Is she really less successful?

It all boils back down to how I define success to begin with. Is success characterized by the house you live in, the car you drive, the places you visit, the people you interact with, or the size of your bank account?

In the past, I would have readily said yes. Even until today, a part of me would say yes. But after much thought, it dawned on me that us children could have caused her to be how she is now. Her friends might seemingly lead better lives, but who among them has 4 children? A lot of them are single, only needing to fend for themselves.

Raising all four of us siblings is an achievement enough. She not only raised us but ensured that we all end up capable, responsible, and ready for the world. She is trying hard to teach us to be self-sufficient. During gatherings, we may not show up in the best car, nor are we proud of where we live, nor have fantastic tales of our visits to the renowned cities of the world, but when you see us, you know that this is a family that is able to make it big. That alone is a point of envy that cannot be easily emulated.

Had she not had to provide for four spoiled children, she will have a lot more resources available for her and my dad to enjoy more luxuries in life. I am sure she is not going to fall behind her peers. But she chose to have a family, and successfully raised a family.

Not a lot of assets to her name (most of them are tied up with my grandfather), she has 4 priceless possessions that will forever have her mark. All four of us siblings who inherited her brains and her vocal chords….. our net present value added up is definitely higher than that of any of her friends at this point in time. :P This may be a fairer way of judging the accomplishments of a person. I guess she is still very well in the running of being “Most Likely to Succeed.”

The next time I complain about my mom’s “failures”, I better bite my tongue because I am probably one of the principle reasons for those.

DRAMA

2010-11-19T01:21:00.000+08:00

DRAMA

I don’t know if it is because of the very boring life I lead or because of the gazillion shows that I watch, but until now, drama is my best friend. Don’t get me wrong. But unlike those in the tragic lives of people less fortunate than us, all the drama in my life is imaginary. (at least I now think so.)

Whenever I get lonely or have nothing going on in my head, I try to fill it with all kinds of ridiculous thoughts, most of which are centered around self-pity and the unfairness of the world. My most recent heart-to-heart with my friend was about the unfair advantage that others are bestowed in life, and why I was never given those advantages. At that point in time, I felt like I was making sense. I even ranted for hours to my friend over YM. Thinking about it now, my friend must think I was insane, because I was talking rubbish the whole time. My arguments were more than flawed and I was using my speed typing skills to trump the conversation than with reason. (To my dear friend, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I can imagine your agony at the other end of the line… The next time I do it, feel free to go offline!)

I have been contemplating my life and my behaviour… the things I do, and why I am so unsuccessful in social situations and there it hit me. Who wants to be with a drama queen? Nobody is looking down on me or is discriminating against me or whatever. It’s all in my head. As far as others are concerned, I am equally, if not far more fortunate than majority of the human population. I just don’t know how to take advantage of it. I decided to think the worst of people, and believe more in the evils of the world. I created my own hell, and made my own life a living hell.

To the people who suffered from my drama, please accept my sincerest apologies. I am a nice and bubbly person in real life. It’s just when I am faced with people I do not know well, I assume that the person refuses to talk to me and that I am not worth anybody’s time. I always assume that people are after something and I don’t have that something. I promise to change…

I entered a new phase in my life and it is time for a fresh start. The first thing in order: Drama extinguisher.

Turning 21 and Counting…. 1…2…3

2010-11-19T00:53:00.002+08:00

This year marks my 21st year of existence. Contrary to the past 20 years, I have actually decided to commemorate this momentous event with a celebration. By now, the event would have passed for a week, but as I was going through the guestbook, the events of that night all came back to me…..

Yes, I am a vain person and I have always wanted a quinceanera (sweet 16), or the debutante ball (turning 18), but I never got it. Nobody was going to do it for me, so I thought, what the heck, I’d better do it for myself. Hence, this year, I decided to throw myself a masquerade party. For a night, we were all princes and princesses, all dressed up, albeit not as formally if it were held in a hotel ballroom, but pretty formal nevertheless.

It felt great. Of course, there are the usual frustrations of being reminded that I had to create my own celebration, otherwise, nobody would have celebrated. Getting teary-eyed as I blew up the balloons one by one, fretting over how to decorate my place, which décor to buy and all that, but the night proved to be very memorable. I have no regrets.

Although most of them did not show it, I realized that a lot of my friends are really very sweet, and I was deeply touched by the little nothings that they did for me.

Preparing a guestbook, baking a two-tiered cake, dressing up, going out of the way to buy masks, the thoughtful presents, and of course the photos that serve as remembrance that I will cherish forever – each one made me really feel like a princess for the night. And I felt blessed.

I was glad I had the party. It was a good way to round up my wishes and prepare to aspire for more, dream even bigger dreams, and ultimately, to grow up. No more princess dreams. No more waiting for the knight in shining armour. No more damsel in distress. No more Cinderella stories.

I am 21, and officially a grown up, legal to drink and gamble in most places I know. No more excuses. I had to stand up and take responsibility. I had to stop blaming fate or destiny. I had to take charge. Because from now on, I will be held fully accountable for my actions. I have officially entered the real world…..

Passion is the Way to Go… or Is It?

2010-10-02T02:24:00.001+08:00

I just finished watching a re-run of an episode of Oprah on young multi-millionaires. In that episode, she interviewed the twins Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and two other moguls. Their messages were all the same- You have to do something because you want it, and not for the money. You must get others to pay you for something that you enjoy doing. Follow your passion and money comes after.

This is something that has been said over and over again. All the CEOs who came to give talks in my school have said the same thing. They all ended up finding something that they loved. We all know this, but we don’t necessarily believe it. I also wonder if they all started doing what they loved or do they learn to love what they are doing.

Following your passion requires bravery and confidence, two things that I lack. There is just insufficient support for this kind of idealistic thinking from society. I personally wish I could do that, to only apply for jobs in industries that I am really passionate about and to be headstrong. Sadly, translated into the words of other people, what I am doing is just being plain stubborn.

I am trying to follow my passion, but over these months, I have found it to be extremely difficult to combine it with a real job. That is until today.

This evening, I attended a recruitment talk by LuxAsia which is a distributor for luxury cosmetics, fragrances, and hair products. The CEO himself came down to talk to us, together with the heads of the different businesses. From the talk, I felt that the company is being run like a family and I can feel the warmth between the employees. (so much better than my grandpa’s so-called family business) From the description of the job scope, the industry, the culture, it all feels like I chanced upon a gold mine. Have I really found something that I can really be happy with and actually have a chance at it? I hope this is it!

But having said that, I have applied to a lot of jobs so far, not all of which I am entirely passionate about. At the end of the day, practicality still reigns supreme. You need to find something to help you survive. We can’t always keep focusing on the self-actualization needs. While we venture out and gamble meet our passion, we also need to prepare Plan B’s as a safety net in case everything just turns out wrong. As sad as it may sound, that is the real world for me. I am risk averse, and I’d love to have something to fall back on, just in case.

Escapism at its finest

2010-09-26T19:54:00.001+08:00

Although I know I should have spent more time studying this hectic midterm break, I spent a lot of time watching shows and movies- 3 seasons of Rachel Zoe Project, the latest episode of a ton of shows such as Gossip Girl, Glee, 90210, Big Bang Theory and a lot more, black and white Audrey Hepburn movies, and the chick flick classics.

This is not a pandemic that only happens during breaks but is prevalent all throughout my semesters… It has been my favorite pastime. I don’t even know why, but every time I don’t feel like doing anything, I go online or go through my little movie library to find something to watch and then I am happy, motivated, and all perked up!

Beyond just for entertainment purposes, these shows have become my ticket to another world. It provides the best escape from the hustle bustle of the real world. It brings me closer to my dream self and it also gives me new ideas of what my ideal self should be like. Every time I watch a movie, I pretend that I am the female protagonist and try to twist the story in my head to suit my aspirations. Although I know it’s all fantasy, it’s comforting nevertheless. It is only this time that I totally let me guard down and allow the director to transport me to another parallel universe, where everything is flawless and exactly the way I want them to be.

In recent years, the movies also serve an added purpose- for outfit inspirations. From my choice of shows, you’ll see a pattern. They are all brainless with designer-clad stars who epitome of good taste and blessed life. I watch the shows for the simple romance, the designer outfits, and to witness the enviable lives that they live.

The recess week has already come to an end and tomorrow, I have to go and start fighting my battles once more. But I wouldn’t say that this week had been wasted. I got a lot of insights, and I think I am actually closer to the person I wanted to be…. I guess after watching so much shows, I am actually convincing my brain to believe the fantasies… Till my next Escape….

Oops I did it again

2010-09-17T22:41:00.001+08:00

Once again, I have gone against my better judgment and added a new title to my self-help library. You see, I always go through cycles of ups and downs in terms of my body image and self-esteem. Every time I am on the down phase, I go on a crash diet and buy tons of self-help and motivational books to make me feel better. Each time I do it, I tell myself that it will be the last time and I will never get myself into the hell hole again. Sadly, I always end up down there, one way or another.

This time, I believe it resulted from watching the latest episode of gossip girl, where I am flashed over-privileged girls my age in the latest outfits off the runway of fashion week. I then got an urge to shop and we all know that never results in anything good.

In the face of all these air-brushed ladylucks, I look like an ogre, too overweight and too plain… Hence I did my soul-searching in a book store and fate introduced me to Stella Ellis, a plus-size model who strutted down the runways of Jean Paul Gaultier and Thierry Mugler. She wrote a book Size Sexy to inspire plus-size women to embrace their sexy, voluptuous and curvaceous figures. Seeing the short abstract, I felt that this relates directly to me, so silly me went on to buy the book.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading it, waiting for it to tell me things that I already know. But somehow, coming from someone who has been accepted because of her figure, the words had so much more impact than my own logical reasoning.

I think there is nothing wrong with buying these books for inspiration. What is alarming is how often I turn to these books to pull me back to my feet. Although in front of my friends, I am this emotionally stable and psychologically mature person, deep down, I am pretty shaky. It’s just that I am afraid if I turn to my friends, they would judge me as being shallow so I end up turning to books that don’t talk back.

I have lots of books on fabulosity, body image and what-nots, and the list just keeps getting longer and longer, as I dwell more and more on my outer image. I need to stop.

The shows and the books have nothing to do with my problem. It is all internal, and unless I learn to be satisfied, I will have mood swings more often that a pregnant woman and my radiance will change as if I have facials in 2-3 weeks cycles.

Graduation

2010-07-16T00:53:00.001+08:00

By this time, most of my peers both in the Philippines and here in Singapore would have already graduated. Sadly, I did not get to witness them as they went up the stage to claim their diplomas, but I can picture it in my head- A wide smile on the faces, pride in the eyes of the dean and of their parents, marching gracefully in their graduation gowns, the fruits of their labour in their hands.

It’s been 4 years since I last went up such a stage and I long for going up once more. This graduation marks the official end of the teenage years. The moment we are handed our diplomas, we officially become working adults.

Although I am not yet graduating, my heart is filled with all kinds of emotions. I will certainly miss all my friends. From now one, only a few of us are left in school. A lot of the familiar faces are now gone and it is like being back as a freshman, maneuvering in unfamiliar terrain. I am very proud of all of them. Although almost everybody gets to graduate, the mere fact that you obtain a diploma is still a praiseworthy achievement- a milestone in our lives. Whatever grade or honours you obtain is no longer relevant. On this day, all that matters is you are wearing your graduation gown side by side with the rest of your peers.

The 3 years in NUS has passed by so fast. I still recall the first time I walked in the business school grounds. I felt like a total misfit- a huge girl who is at least one year younger than everybody else. It was not easy making friends. I was the girl with the funny accent who does not look like anyone from the country she claims to be from.

In the course of my schooling, I managed to make a handful of friends. Although I don’t get to see them much outside the school grounds, I still truly treasure their company. After all, we did spend the same long hours rushing deadlines. We shared the same awkwardness putting on a suit on a hot summers day for the first time for a presentation. We shall all reminisce on the same nervousness that we had whenever we walk in the multi-purpose sports hall for that killer midterm or final. We also give out the same sigh of relief upon receiving our results, thinking, yes, we passed. It is now over.

There are certainly a lot of memories to treasure in the past 3 years that I walked in and out of Business School and going to school will no longer be the same. To all those who have already graduated, my heartfelt congratulations to all of you. To all those who are left to do that extra year with me, let’s make the most out of it and create even more everlasting memories that we will cherish…..:)

Not quite Quarter-life crisis

2010-07-12T12:52:00.001+08:00

I am 20 years old, still in university and is already experiencing quarter-life crisis.

Yes, it is a bit pre-mature, but I have always been a bigger child, in every sense of the word.

From my previous post, you could probably already tell that I am in some sort of a crossroad. I think I know where I am. I am sure I know where I want to be. But that road will take many years and I am sure even more detours.

In the mean time, I am left worrying about what I should do between and now and later… There are so many choices. I am sure all of them will one way or another lead to the ultimate goal, but I want to make sure I take the shortest path. I don’t want to make mistakes. I want to take that straight and fast-track route.

As I ponder about what to do with my life, I begin to ask if life really needs to be this complicated. The answer is no. There is a fixed path- the path to a normal life-working 9 to 6 in some admin job, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and continue being the normal 2 working parent family earning just enough to make ends meet, send the students to school and so on…. Everything normal and plain.

But this doesn’t suit me. I am the type who always wants attention, wants to excel, want to be more than average. I can’t imagine living the lives of what most people around me have. I have gotten used to some luxuries, some glitz and glamour, that I can’t turn back. I need to find a way to support this kind of lifestyle that I am already used to and that most certainly does not come from a normal job.

You ask, how did I get to this stage anyway? Well, the answer is simple. Rich grandfather, reasonably well-off parents and voila… a spoiled kid comes out. But I know very well that this kind of riches do not last forever and are not passed down eternally from generation to generation. I need to find a way to make this more sustainable. Hence the pressure to do even better and to get an even better/higher paying job.

But the job that I love does not come with that kind of salary. Hence I am at a crossroads. Do what I want or do what earns more?

This is one of those times when I regret having to be given choices. Can someone please dictate to me now… but I will have to blame you for my misery later on….

Not quite Quarter-life crisis

2010-07-12T12:52:00.000+08:00

What happens to me?

2010-07-07T23:10:00.001+08:00

I just visited the facebook page of a lot of my high school friends. I am so impressed with what they are all heading to. Most of my peers have already graduated from university. A lot of them have found great jobs, a large number of them are going on to med school and some are going overseas for work, internships and further studies.

It got me thinking. What about me? What’s next for me? I’ve spent most of my time thinking of how to excel in the “now” I forgot to really plan for the future. Why do I feel that most of my peers have already surpassed me when I was their valedictorian in high school? I took the higher route earlier on by coming to Singapore, by why did I seem to stagnate after that?

What happens to me after graduation next year? I need to start thinking of a future. Go the corporate route? Go for an accounting job? Go for a masters? Go overseas? I need to decide!!!! I will not be like my mother and get left behind after a huge head start. I will catch up!

There’s a happy ending

2010-07-07T13:45:00.004+08:00

On July 3, 2010, my sister got married in the Manila Cathedral to her long-time boyfriend. The reception was held at Century Park Hotel Grand Ballroom. To wrap it up simply, the event was a success. It was a great celebration.

But the road leading up to the big day was certainly not smooth. A lot of altercations, disappointment, and nerve wracking went into it to make sure that everybody can be pleased and the event is a win-win scenario for all parties involved. (In these traditional weddings, it’s not just the bride and the groom involved:P )

I shan’t go through all the details in those few months. Let me fast forward to just 3 days prior to the wedding when I went home to the Philippines to witness the last minute preparations.

By this time, all the gowns are more or less done, except for mine. Everybody will be wearing red gowns of satin and chiffon, with pleats and cut out flowers. Each bride’s maid and secondary sponsor also has a red flower/ feather headdress to complete the look.

The bridal gown was a tube ball gown with the top fully encrusted with big round and square Swarovski crystals. The skirt has a tulle petticoat to give it an added oomph factor. The outer skirt is covered with yards and yards of lace cut out and shaped circularly into flowers with sequins in between each layer. The whole outfit was full of intricate details carefully sown into it, making it look very elegant and well-made. This suited my sister’s taste perfectly. It was pristine.

After a few more fittings and some last minute errands, the big day came. Preparations for the afternoon wedding began as early as 7:30 in the morning. Everybody was busy getting their hair and makeup done. A total of 4 makeup artists and hair stylists were involved in the whole process, with each responsible for 4-5 ladies. I was all glam-ed up by 10 am. This was followed by a quick pictorial session of my sister getting ready for the wedding and in her wedding gown. This was the point in time where it began to register that she was really getting married. All the while, I didn’t really feel it. I kept thinking of it as just a formality, no emotional attachment. Seeing her in her wedding gown, it finally struck me. It was the end of a stage in life and a wonderful beginning to another one.

In the church, we were welcomed by several guests, eager to congratulate the family on this glorious celebration. For the first time, I saw all my cousins so beautifully clad in their red gowns, their hair in loose curls, faces painted with rouge with a wide smile on each of their faces. They were all so pretty. From afar, it looked like we were one hell of a blessed family.

Walking down the aisle as the maid of honor felt to me like walking down a red carpet in the Oscars. (well, to be fair, it was a red carpet!) Walking slowly in my 5-inch heels, a bouquet of yellow flowers in hand, all eyes were fixated on me. It felt great. For once, I truly felt gorgeous.

It was then my sister’s turn. With a nice headband tiara and veil over her head, a big bouquet of red roses in hand, she walked down the aisle escorted by both my parents. This was the last time she would be walking as a single lady. She looked breathtaking.

The wedding ceremony was short and sweet followed by more pictorial at the hotel and then the reception.

I applaud the wedding organizer and the florist for a job well done. They really reinvented the ballroom with the layout, the cloth hanging in the ceilings, the lighting, and the tasteful use of orchids for the presidential table centerpiece.
The guests started to arrive at 7 pm and from then on, we were busy entertaining the guests, leading them to their seats, going from table to table for some small talk and eventually offering drinks. I was really impressed at how my siblings really stood up to their role as hosts of the dinner. Even my younger brother was hardly in his seat, always walking around, and acting like a responsible adult.

I was disappointed with my other relatives though because they treated themselves as guests as well. They didn’t even bother to help entertain guests even though a lot of them are actually family friends whom they know. When they arrived in the ballroom, they just sat down and the rest was history.

The emcee, Max Tiu did an amazing job once again. He is still the best wedding emcee I know so far- the one with the best taste in clothing and the best language skills. In the course of the evening, he sang 2 Chinese songs. The string quartet entertained us for the rest of the evening.

Both the best man, Burton, and I gave our speeches. He delivered his toast to the couple in English, and I gave my message in Chinese (as was requested by my grandfather). Although my speech was not really well prepared (I prepared it in my 3 hour flight back to Manila), it was really heartfelt. I meant every word I said and I was glad I got those out of my system. I’ve been longing to say those words to put an end to the sibling rivalry, and alas, I was able to do it. Close family and friends who knew our relationship well, really understood the message and they were happy with my honest confession.

A few more toasts and photos later, the guests started to leave. By 12 midnight, all the guests have gone. It’s a wrap! It was a wonderful evening. We saw a pretty good turn up of guests both at the wedding ceremony and at the reception. It was no fairy tale ending, but it was a happy ending at that.

Congratulations to the newlyweds!
P.S Pictures to come once the photographer sends them over.

You just don't get it

2010-07-05T14:57:00.001+08:00

You don’t get it. You never did. You never will.

I lost a considerable amount of weight lately, enough for people to notice that I did lose weight. However, this did not come about it the healthiest possible way. In fact, it is a result of rather drastic measures. It involved hitting the gym and eating only utmost 2 meals a day. It was hard, but it sure was effective.

Although my mom was happy to see that I lose weight, she kept warning me against not eating. She told me to stop saying I want to lose weight and not eat the required meals. Although I know that she is right, at this point, I don’t really care. I’ve grown up suffering from this weight problem, more so emotional and psychologically than physically, and those scars have not yet and will probably never completely heal. I have no intention of letting it prolong any longer.

From my previous posts, I think it would have been pretty obvious my looks and weight problems have very badly damaged my self-esteem and has deeply affected they way I saw myself. I was always the FAT kid. While family and friends would go around praising how cute this cousin was, or how pretty they are growing up to be, I was being ignored, from the lack of any good things to say.

What am I to do? It’s in the genes. We don’t have the good genes. Although this is a scientifically known fact, not many people really take that into consideration when they judge others. People can be quite insensitive and I am always in the receiving end of this cruel human nature.

As I officially reach adulthood when I turn 21 this November, I want to put an end to the constant ridicule and unpleasant remarks about my weight. So, I know this probably isn’t the best way, but it is currently the fastest and most effective way. You may not understand where this “desperation” stems from, but I have been hurting for way too long over this issue. :’(

Group Work

2010-06-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

The first part of my CP project is about to come to an end. This whole experience stretching for a few months has made me realize a whole new meaning to group work.

Group work , for me, has gone from meaning just getting a group to work on a project to learning how to make a group work together. This includes making the team dynamics work, learning how to best allocate tasks/roles based on the different personalities of the members of the group. It is no longer about the project, but more of people management. The ultimate take away for these kinds of group projects will be the experience of working with others, understanding their working styles, and adapting accordingly to better fit into the group.

Having said this, I am no longer surprised at why organizations are so inefficient. All those inefficiencies are meant to buy time for the people to learn to work with each other. Just imagine my current group of 3 people. There are already 3 very different and clashing personalities. What more in an organization of thousands of people?!?

So what have I learned?

In our group of 3, one is definitely going to be more dominant, to the extent of being pushy at times. One has to neutral and willing to be controlled to a certain extent. This will create some sort of balance of power. In our group, I am the one being controlled… consciously of course. I am willing to bend for as long as it is within reason. Otherwise, each group meeting will end up as a heated debate rather than a productive discussion.

Group work is strictly work and not to be taken personally. This is something I really need to bear in mind. Once in while, someone may snap, but that should not affect the relationship within the group. Any criticism of one’s work does not reflect criticism on the individual. Whatever happens during the meeting should be left in the meeting and not carried out to one’s personal life. This way, no matter how much you hate one another’s working style or lack of professionalism, at the end of the day, you can still be friends.

Just right, too much

2010-06-07T13:31:00.000+08:00

It is true that too much of a good thing can be bad. It is also true that there is a reason for everything.

It has occurred to me that the current arrangement in my family is designed so perfectly, that any attempt to change or disrupt it will be very unpleasant for all
parties.

I bet you are already scratching your head as you are reading this, but read on and you’ll understand.

The people in my family have clashing personalities, that if we were in the dating scene, we would be classified as mutually incompatible. Often times, we can’t stand one another’s guts, have very short patience for one another’s tempers, and we would fight incessantly. But that was before I left for Singapore.

When I was in Singapore and only saw them once or twice in a year, the relationship improved. We became more willing to understand and tolerate one another. The distance was bringing us closer together.

At that point, I began missing home. The thought of just returning home after graduation was visiting me more and more frequently. That was until my family’s long visit this year for my sister’s civil wedding.

I realized that we could only tolerate each other for short periods of time. The limit is around 2 weeks. Any more than that and the past strains pop up again. I begin to see some of their behavior that was too much for me to handle. We start to get used to one another’s company that we forget the value of it.

Given our very short visits, there isn’t enough time to really bond, making us look forward to the next visit more and making the next visit even more enjoyable than the last. Once the visits become longer, it becomes too much bonding and the 2 poles start to repel.

I am beginning to wonder. Could this be why I was made to leave the country?
My brother once remarked how good it would be if my parents could always be in Singapore. It would have been so much fun.

I think not. The appeal of Singapore is in the independence that we have, free to do as we please, when as we please. It is the carefree spirit of being accountable only to oneself. Once all of us are here, it would have been the same as staying in the Philippines, same rules, same problems.

Our family arrangement has been so brilliantly engineered to make incompatible personalities connect. Have it done any other way and we will certainly be biting each other’s heads off day after day. It would have been a gruesome battle.

For the love of Job

2010-06-01T00:50:00.001+08:00

I remember a conversation I had with the owner of a successful SME. When asked about how he got into the industry that he is in now and how he does so well, his reply was very simple. He was desperate for a job and that was the only offer available, so he took it just to earn a living. Over time, his interest in it grew and he learned to love what he was doing.

It occurred to me that being successful is not so much about finding something that you love but rather loving that something that you have. We don’t have to spend so much time trying to decipher what we really love or what we really want to be in the future. There is no rush to find the answer before we throw ourselves into the job market. Most of us will never really know what we ultimately want to do. But at least we know what we are willing to accept and tolerate.

Sure. We are bombarded with stories of people who knew from the very start what they want to be, but I am sure that either all those people are the extreme minority, probably only .01% of the entire population. Do not be misled.

For the rest of us mere mortals, we just have to try the things that we wouldn’t mind doing, try to do well, and learn to love it. It may not be as sweet and as smooth a path as those who start of doing what they really love all along, but it is an equally promising route that leads to that pot of gold.

Either way, you got to love your job before you can succeed. It doesn’t matter if you love it before or after you started it.

Crash Landing

2010-05-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

Roller Coaster, sky dive, bungee jump…. These are the words I can think of to describe what I am feeling now. Not long ago, I was extremely happy to the point that I was smiling while doing the most mundane task ever. Then suddenly, now, I feel like my heart sank, there is a knot in my stomach, and I feel queasy.

What the hell happened in that past hour? Physically, nothing happened. I am still sitting in my chair in the office, in front of my laptop. But in my mind, a lot has happened. An hour ago, I just received permission from my manager to leave work earlier tomorrow to pick up my parents from the airport. She was very nice about it and told me to enjoy. She didn’t even have to think twice. I was ecstatic and extremely thankful that she was so nice about it.

Then I went back to doing my work and all sorts of thoughts started to kick in. One recurring thing is my consulting practicum. I feel that the deadline is drawing nearer and nearer and we are not moving forward. I am not that motivated to do more work either. Although I have done a lot of research, I still feel lost. I still cannot see the direction of our project and I am scared that the project will turn out unsatisfactorily.

Every time I reach home at night, I just want to relax and read my fashion and marketing stuff, or watch some chic flick. My mind and soul is certainly not in the project and this frightens me. Right now, “I made the wrong decision to do this project.” Is on repeat in my head. I am full of regret. I wrongly gauged the intensity and the commitment required for this project to be successful.

Here I am again, stressed for no reason. There is still a lot of time to make this project right, but this is just one of those instances when I panic like an idiot for nothing- one of those times when I suddenly think of all the requirements due and feel like the whole world is crashing down right this very minute.

Stacey, breathe in, breathe out… slowly…… slowly…. Slowly……

A Gap in Expectations

2010-05-25T00:25:00.000+08:00

My group is falling apart. I am referring to my group for my final year project. Expectations and commitment levels are just not aligned. Nobody is willing to make sacrifices to free up their schedules to meet up. If this goes on, we are doomed.

I know there are all these problems but I don’t know how to tackle them. These problems are actually not unique to this group. They are prevalent in almost every other group I have ever been in. I never really tried to address the problem. Often times, I just slogged it out and eventually, the project can still be completed and any direct confrontation had been averted.

I am just not sure that the past trend will continue on this time because this project is at a much bigger scale and for a longer time period. I think that I may have to do something about it soon.

Our main problem is the differences in our expectations and commitment levels. I expect a lot more commitment from the rest. The project must come as our top priority as much as possible, above other commitments. We try our best to accommodate everybody’s schedules but it is very hard to do when you purposely free up your time for this project while everybody else has purposely booked up theirs. I know that we all have different activities up our sleeves but we must at least give this project the amount of time that it deserves considering the weight that it has on our grades.

Another problem is the individualistic nature of each of us. We keep losing sight of the “we.” Yes, we divided the project into three parts but it does not mean we have to really do them separately and just focus on our own parts. It is still a collective project so we must keep our sights on all three. But at the moment, I feel that we all have the “this is not my responsibility attitude. “

We are having an online meeting again today and I hope it goes well. **fingers crossed**

Sign me up!

2010-05-22T21:37:00.001+08:00

My sister made a very interesting comment earlier today. She said that she feels that the corporate life is really not for her. There is too much inefficiency in the workplace that you cannot do anything about. There are also too many people who are just too “slow” impeding the progress of the whole team. A lot of time is wasted in just making people work effectively with one another. Half of the time, you are not doing any real work but just reconciling differences to make the team work.

In many ways, I agree with her. Team dynamics are really complicated and most teams will never really achieve it even after much effort. The bureaucracy and the tall hierarchy and organizational structure make lines of reporting complicated and communication ineffective, thereby making immediate action almost impossible.

From my experience working in groups, I was never once truly happy with the group performance. I always wished that group could do better, could think more like me, and deliver better results. But in the end, everybody puts in a disproportionate amount of work, used different amounts of brain juices, spent unequal numbers of sleepless nights in exchange for the same grade. Priorities, aims, and expectations are just not aligned. Whoever wants it more badly just puts in more effort to compensate for the indifference and lackluster performance of the other members.

For as long as you are in the corporate world, you will always have a boss. You will always have to report to someone and need their approval before you can do anything. Of course, the time it takes from when you generated an idea till its eventual implementation depends on how high up you are in the never-ending corporate ladder. But does it mean that the lower down you are, the less significant your idea is? Most certainly not. Yet, you don’t have a choice. You may have a better idea, a more effective way of doing things, but you still have to listen to your superiors. You still have to learn to shut it and operate like a robot. Try to say something you are not supposed to and you will be guilty of treason or mutiny.

The corporate world is full of all these inefficiencies, ineffectiveness, and mind boggling power plays. Yet a huge percentage of the population is thriving in and actually enslaved by these potentially dysfunctional institutions. What an irony of life!

I am well aware of all these things going on in corporations yet at this point, all I can say is “Sign me up!” I am willingly giving this corporate life a try.

Will you really have it all?

2010-05-17T22:04:00.001+08:00

Last Friday, I went out to meet my friend for dinner. As usual, every meeting of ours involves hours and hours of nonstop girl talk about brands, clothes, boys, and future aspirations. Since both of us are suffering from weight problems, it is inevitable that we would talk about how to lose weight faster, our target weight, as well as the rewards that comes with our success. She decided to give herself a Cartier, while I was eyeing a Herve Leger dress and a vacation. She then said something very interesting. “When you lose that weight, you can have everything- a boy, a social life, the looks, success….”

What a nice thought! But then is it true? It sounds so much like the typical cliché that once the ugly duckling became a gorgeous swan, everything else just falls into place. If this were true, then I would definitely be more than motivated to lose weight fast by whatever means!

We all know that this is not true. Even I myself am well aware that this is just a consolation for most women out there. Yet the scary thing is that we all choose to believe it. To me, this is like a self-destructive behavior/belief.

Dear ladies, please come to your senses. As much as it is good to believe in little fairy tales once in a while, please don’t thrive in them. It is not the weight, or the looks! It is the MENTALITY!

I once read a book that said the three best things that women can be: (1) smart (2) successful (3) sexy.

Notice that all these three are attitudes. Smart means being streets smart and savvy, knowing how to cope with things. Success means achieving independence, being able to fend for yourself. Sexy is about exuding an air of confidence.

They did not say anything about your looks. Being beautiful was never a criterion.

Are you absolutely, positively sure?

2010-05-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

Just at a point when I felt that good things are finally happening to me (I finished my all my final exams, got recognition for work that I did, and have an internship relatively close to an industry that I love), someone has to come along and question my choices. She just had to come along and tell me that my decisions are wrong and that I am making a big mistake.

What is a mistake anyway? Who can tell you that this is right or that is wrong, especially when it comes to life choices made at crossroads?

A mistake is something that someone of authority will not condone. It is not about right or wrong. It is about doing something against the wishes of someone else deemed to be more powerful and knowledgeable than you.

So where does that put “little” people like us? Yes, they tell us that we have the freedom to choose. But just as when we would have already made our choice, they come around again asking, “Are you absolutely, positively sure?” Even before you could answer YES with a straight, as-a-matter-of-fact face, they come bombarding you with reasons not to do it, and why something else is better ya-di-ya-di-ya. At that time, your heart begins to sink, self-doubt kicks in and you don’t make your decision anymore.

Is there really such a thing as a wrong decision right from the very start? Should I turn back while I still can and take the prescribed safe route? Or can I still take the road less traveled? But can I first get the guts to ignore what everybody else is saying everytime someone comes questioning my decisions?

Can I say, “Yes, I am absolutely, positively sure, 100%”?

Being Pretty Can Change Your Life... Or Not

2010-03-26T04:21:00.002+08:00

It is almost 4 am, and I could not sleep. (I don’t even know why. I should be exhausted!!!!) So I decided to just watch the latest of Ugly Betty starring America Ferrara.

Episode 17 of season 4 is all about Betty Suarez and what would happen if she did not have her braces. For those of you who do not follow the show, Betty was always being haunted by her braces. As a kid, she was not pretty, had hideous hair, bushy eyebrows, nerdy glasses and very poor dress sense. When she reached adulthood, she had to wear braces. That plus all the descriptions above have caused her to constantly be the butt of jokes, humiliating her in public. All of a sudden, in this episode, she was about to have her braces removed. Some unforeseen circumstances take place causing her to lose consciousness and enter this little dream world where she had perfect teeth.

In that dream world, she not only had perfect teeth, she was gorgeous too. Suddenly, her life turned around. She was popular in school, had everything she wanted, and very quickly climbed up the ladder to the manager editor of a major fashion magazine. Her life was perfect and it was all because she was pretty.

This whole notion of being pretty leading to fairytale endings have been regurgitated over and over again by the media, that it has somehow been embedded into the consciousness of every female. But how true is this? When will we be able to break out of this little bubble and finally see that it is not just about being pretty?

www.totalfilm.com/features/15-mo...e-a-swan

I used to be a firm believer that the root cause of all my misery was my weight problems together with less than pretty looks and extremely disheveled hair as a child, with some problems being resolved along the way, and others carrying on into adulthood. But I think you get my drift. Until now, I still think to this to some extent (although much less so now compared to before). Although I may have matured, I still have not gone past the stage where I could stop caring about the messages that the media bombards us with every day. Even though my better judgment tells me that all that we see in shows is just superficial, that it is not really how the world works, a large part of me still chooses to believe that yes, pretty girls have it easy, in the same notion that flirty girls have their ways as well (see post on It Always Has to Be the Flirty One). Why is it so hard for me to accept that that is not really the case, or rather why is it so hard to convince myself to think otherwise?

I am deciding to be honest with myself. I think the reason is because, we are all too scared to admit our own faults. We are always looking for something to blame, someone else to point the finger at. In this case, it is just so convenient that there is this whole pretty girl myth. We look at ourselves and blame that one thing that we don’t have, convincing ourselves that if only we had that, things would be different. I am sure that not so well-off people look at the wealth of others as the principle cause for their success too. In the same token, they are blaming their own lack of excessive wealth as the culprit behind their own failures.

We need to stop doing this. We need to go beyond these shortcuts and try to look deeper inside. Why am I really having all these problems? Actually, I have known the reason for a very long time, I just did not have the guts to say it out loud. This is all a matter of self-image. The way we see ourselves is the way we believe others see us too. If I don’t like what I am seeing, then I begin to think that others don’t like me too. As a result, I tend to stick to my own corner and avoid interaction. I will then keep hitting the replay button in my head to say, “They don’t want to talk to you because you are not attractive enough. Had you been prettier, they would have initiated to come forward and chat.” After a while, I begin to believe this to be true. But in reality, it is all because I did not even make an effort in the first place. Without interacting with people, other cannot know who you are and what you are capable of. Thinking that others don’t like you would also affect the way you portray yourself and cause you to exhibit self-restricting behavior. In the end, you are hurting yourself because a lot of opportunities that you could have deserved no longer present themselves. You have driven the chances away. There is then a domino effect with the finish line being your own misery.

Having said that, it is still true that those prettier, wealthier, cuter, etc, do get certain advantages. It is like their birth right. However, the opposite is not true. The advantages do not come only because you are prettier….. You can still achieve what they can and so much more, even without that natural birth right. It is all in the way you choose to see things.

Project Season Has Arrived

2010-03-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

Yes, it has, ladies and gentlemen. The proof? I spent x amount of time around business school looking for an empty table/bench/chair and was unsuccessful. I looked even in places that are not as accessible and not as obvious, but still, there were already students who got there before me and have claimed territorial rights.

For those who are not familiar, project season refers to the time of the semester when all the projects assigned to students at the beginning of the semester are about to come due. As a result, you will witness students suddenly becoming very hardworking, their calendars are packed with meetings, back-to-back, and they even sometimes tend to double book for the same time slot.

This for me, is also, the most exciting part of school life, because it most closely approximates the life of a successful executive, wearing a full suit, trotting from one meeting to the other.
For educators, this is probably the best season for them, because this is when they get to see their students in action. For visitors, sponsors, and other outsiders visiting the university, this would also be the best time to come because this is when you get to actually see the images that all the school brochures are trying to portray- every student pre-occupied, diligent, bursting with ideas, in corporate attire. This is what every parent probably envisions their children to be doing and learning in business school.

High School is Never Over

2010-03-18T01:33:00.000+08:00

“High school is never over. “ This is a quote taken from the movie The Jane Austen Book Club.

I must say, I totally agree with this. High school is probably one of the most fun, as well, as the most tormenting times of our lives. It is when we have those awkward years, and somehow, those years just keep haunting us, that at some point or another, we are brought back to those years when we have to deal with the cliques, the mean girls, the insecurities, and high school just keeps coming back.

Even now in university, when we are deemed to be older and wiser, the same situations arise. Even as we move on to enter the workforce, these things are still every present. It is as if we entered a hiatus the moment we entered high school. The moment we entered it, we were trapped and we couldn’t get out of it.

Bastion of support

2010-03-15T02:43:00.000+08:00

My current Facebook status reads: “ It is extremely encouraging to see that all of u siblings are going after what u want in life, pursuing ur own path... yet mutually supporting each other...:)”

It is true. I don’t deny the fact that my younger brother is my inspiration. He was the one who showed me that we are allowed to dream and to pursue our dreams- a dream that we have for ourselves, our own expectations, our own rules.

Since then, I have decided to pursue what I really want. In this matter, I have been put down countless times, by so many people. Sometimes, I feel like just giving it up and pursue the normal course, to avoid the road less traveled. But another side of me tells me that if I am passionate about it, then it doesn’t matter what they say. Although most would say that the above statement is true, it is hard to believe in it headstrong. After all, it is hard to win a solo fight, if the odds are stacked against you. But luckily, that is not the case for me. At least not anymore.

I have found a bastion of support- people who believe in me and will not doubt me, forevermore. If you want to pursue something, I suggest you find your own fortress first. No man is an island. You will certainly need these people to constantly reassure you in times when you just feel like letting go, in times when everybody else and fate itself seems to be going against you.

My bastion consists mainly of my family and close friends. If I rewind a few years, I am sure I wouldn’t write family there. They used to be more rigid and judgmental. But over the years of being away from them, they have changed a lot. Our relationship has improved dramatically. They are more willing to listen and be understanding. Suddenly, the concept of dream and happiness surfaced in conversations. I no longer have to force myself to do things I don’t enjoy.( at least for most situations) I can stop pretending that I am different or that I am okay or that I am super woman. In a span of 2 and a half years, they have turned our living space from being a battlefield to a castle with a moat. It is not perfect yet, but it’s getting better. Knowing I have them behind me, certainly gave me more courage.

As for my friends, well they have been there all along. We have been together since primary school and going strong… They know me more than anyone else… They are truly happy for me…. And I am glad to have them! We may be going our separate ways, probably end up in different parts of the world.. but there’s always the internet! :)

It always has to be the flirty one...

2010-03-06T23:45:00.001+08:00

The day started all wrong today. I woke up 3 hours later than I should have, took an unwarranted afternoon nap, causing me to wake up in a foul mood and certainly in no mood to do anything. In times like these, I resort to my favorite tv shows to take me on a roller coaster ride out of this world and into a place that gives me solace. Today, I turned to Gossip Girl. The episode I watched was The fourth episode of the first season, “Bad News Blair.”

In this episode, Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) was asked to be the face of her mother’s fashion label, only to be replaced by her best friend Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively), because she was more fun-loving, more relaxed, more flirty, and hence more easily lovable.

This episode makes me think about myself and how I am like Blair Waldorf. I am the type of girl who wants to plan everything to control everything. I am uptight and cautious and do not easily let people in. In fact, I try to shut people out as much as I can. And look where it got me. I am often stuck in awkward situations and deciding to make myself invisible in events, when in fact, I know I have what it takes to shine. I only have myself to blame for all these.

Deep down, I secretly loathe all the Serenas out there. From my point of view, they always get the easy way out. They have been blessed with insanely good looks and a very vivacious personality drawing flocks of guys to like them and an even bigger troop of ladies to adore and look up to them.

I was having a conversation with a friend last Friday about how upon first look, I am the type who is very quiet and apparently, guys don’t like that. They prefer those who can easily talk to them and in some ways “flirt” with them. I guess she is right. It has nothing to do with being a tramp or anything, but it is a part of human nature. We like people whom we think like us too. So I can’t blame others for it. This point, I now understand.

I am trying hard to bring out the inner Serena in me. I am sure it is hidden there somewhere, but I still have more admiration for the Blairs in the world- sophisticated and poised. I guess I can only try to come up with a compromise- look like a Blair but act like a Serena. How I am going to do it I have no idea just yet, but I have seen myself loosen up in recent times. I just have to keep it up…

Success, the way it should be

2010-03-05T22:59:00.001+08:00

“Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do, that you literally fly out the door. “

This came from a speech by Jenny (played by Kay Panabaker) on her graduation in the movie Fame.

I totally agree with that statement. It is so simple yet so many people don’t get it. In this very material, commercialistic, and competitive modern world, many of us relate success with money, fame and power. The higher the pay that you get, the more successful you are perceived. We get too caught up in our search for the success that we correlate so many farfetched and unattainable concepts that we forget what success really means. We go on this quest searching for the missing treasure when we don’t even know in what form this treasure comes in.

Actually, success is simple. It does not take any magic formula. As long as you do not let the other’s perception of you affect your decision to pursue what you enjoy doing. Rest assured that there will certainly be people who will judge you because of your choices. But at the end of the day, it is you who matters. They may judge you now, but if you pursue what you want, you can surely excel in the future. You can achieve success that will prove them all wrong.

I had to do something!

2010-02-25T20:55:00.000+08:00

A few hours ago, I deactivated my facebook account. Yes, I know it is shocking, considering it is my constant companion. I check it non-stop. I even have it on my handphone so that I can log on even if I am not at home. It has been my constant companion in my lonely travels via public transport. But I still deactivated it because it wasreally hurting my ego. My self-esteem and personal body image is not healthy enough to handle the pressure that facebook was putting on me. I know it sounds really weird but this is related to 2 previous blog posts about e-vanity and my being jealous of people easily.

Everytime I log on to facebook, I can’t help but look at the news feed and see what people are doing or thinking at a particular point in time. I also can’t stop myself from wandering into other people’s profiles, look at their photos and know more about how they’ve been spending their time. This does at least 2 things for me. Firstly, it informs me about what’s going on. Secondly, it tells me that my life is not as happening as those of others. And that second point makes me feel bad. I begin to covet the lives of others and my ego shrinks. My mood goes from the top of the world to the deepest pit of hell.

I think it will do me well to stay away from it first, as I work on helping my shattered ego recover. I know that facebook is not the culprit here, it’s only an accomplice. However, due to my lack of self-control, the only thing I could do is do deactivate it.

Good-bye Facebook. At least for the mean time. I will be back when I am in a better position to face you.

How do we do it?

2010-02-25T20:35:00.001+08:00

We were all students once, in fact I still am. And one of the main aspects of student life is procrastination. We keep on slacking and wasting time, postponing work until the very last minute and we begin thinking that it’s not going to work out and that we’re going to miss the deadline, but at the end of the day, more often than not, we get to finish our work and submit in time.

How do we do it? My friend and I were just talking about this earlier while waiting for class to start. We just keep procrastinating, studying at a very slow pace, taking a day to finish a chapter of the textbook, but come exam time, we can practically finish everything in record time before we enter the exam hall. Amazing huh?

I guess it all boils down to being motivated by fear and panic. With a lot of time in our hands, we don’t get the urge to do anything quickly, thinking we can still afford to relax. But when the deadline is staring us in the face, we panic and we become desperate and suddenly, our mind starts to focus and we become productive.

I know that professors object to doing last-minute work but it is just how our brains are programmed. It is a student’s way of life. How do we change it? And the problem is, it is harder to change because we see that it works. We are able to produce work of reasonable quality to submit and be graded.

The greener-eyed monster

2010-02-23T14:54:00.001+08:00

Yes, I am jealous. Extremely jealous to the point that I am furious. Jealous of my cousins who could live carefree lives like a bunch of spoiled brats, of my friends who were given extremely good looks and some brains, of people who were born into really affluent and poised families, of people who could single-mindedly pursue what they want with very little regard for shame or for anybody else. Yes, I am jealous.

This jealousy is even aggravated by recent news coming from home. One of my cousins is boldly and maybe even arrogantly pursuing an admission to one of the Ivy League schools. This was something that I had hoped to do when I graduated from high school but did not have the guts to do so. At that point, I was hesitant because I knew there was no way I could afford it without monetary support from my grandfather (which will not come even when sought.) I did not want it to come to the point where my inability to pay was the only hindrance to a better education. I knew that if that happened, I would hate myself, hate my parents, and my parents would be blaming themselves as well. As such, I immediately removed good US and UK schools from my options. But here is my cousin, without a care about financial implications, fighting for a coveted spot at an Ivy League. Her parents and grandparents will find a way to pay the school fees of she really gets in.

I ask myself, why wasn’t this the attitude at home then? Then I have this other cousins who are delayed for graduation because they have taken less units than normal every semester. Yet, they don’t seem to have a care in the world, and people are not judging them. On the contrary, here I am, so afraid to disappoint people, taking more units than normal every semester. They are going to university for the name, knowing that their future is very much secure already. I am going through university full of worry of what the future holds for me, knowing that I will have to rely on myself to break into the world. Why is it that we belong to the same family, yet our outlook and attitude in life are so very different? Although the self-righteous and achiever side of me knows that their actions are pathetic and an insult to one’s capabilities, deep down, a part of me wishes I could do the same. This thought never fails to cross my mind whenever I am so stressed and worked out, I just wish I would be hospitalized to escape from it all.

I hate to admit it, but the reason I can’t be truly happy for them is because (other than they are very annoying) I am bitter and jealous, of why they could get away with such behavior and I couldn’t. I know I must be respect their decision and support what they want to do, in the same way, I wish they would be happy and proud of my achievements and support my decisions in the future. But I just couldn’t do it.

I suddenly remembered something I said to my brothers over the Chinese New Year holidays. We were discussing why we had to give gifts and food to our “neighbors” and I said that it was to create an illusion that we were morally above them. My sister said that we really are… It was not an illusion. But I thought otherwise. I said that I admit I am not morally above them. I am a corrupt person.

I don’t like the way I turned out to be. Why do I have to always assume the worst of others? I don’t want to be this person. I really don’t.

How to deal with International Relations

2010-02-08T03:05:00.003+08:00

Tick tock tick tock. It is already 2:30 am and I have a 9 am class, yet I am still here typing away. Tonight is going to be another of those long sleepless and restless nights. Under normal circumstances, staring up to the ceiling for a whole night is not so unbearable had I the ability to control my own thoughts. Sadly, I am the type of person who must always be thinking of something constantly. These long nights are just burning out my brain cells leaving me a walking zombie in the morning.

In these sleepless nights, I am always left thinking about my life, my obligations, my failures, my hopes, my dreams, and all the expectations that are piling up on my head by the minute. Tonight, it is about how well I am performing my duties as the director for international relations. I signed up for this job uber excited because I felt that it was an opportunity sent from above. I have always wanted to be a part of the Bizad Club and here came my chance. A post finally opened up that is very suitable to my background. So I applied. And I got the job. Hurrah! But that’s just the beginning of a journey of self-doubt, disappointment, discouragement, and ultimately questioning my own capabilities to do what I originally thought I was good at.
When I first applied for that post, I was enthusiastic. I had a lot of plans. But, as it would seem obvious later on, those plans were only for presentation purposes. No concrete planning went into it. I had a vision in my head, but all the intricacies have not yet been figured out. I thought to myself that I would get to that later on.

First day on the job, first event to be planned, all the problems began to surface. (I truly applaud those who successfully organise events in the context of the Singapore academic circle.) Firstly, the timing was off. Then there was no fixed funding/budget for you to work with. It was so hard to come up with a programme. Their idea of fun is not consistent with what I had in mind. After almost 3 years, I am still an outsider. The target audience is too specific and represent the non-active part of the student population. In reaching out to them, I had to make all these people defy a natural human tendency – which is to stick to their own races. I had to ask people who recently left their countries, came to a foreign land and force them to interact with people other than their own. I had to make them form a bond with some other body other than their own people. As I would later realise, people are much less willing. Not everybody cope with leaving home very well.

Next came the internal problems. The lines of reporting are a bit blurred. There are so many things I did not know. What were the protocols? There didn’t seem to be a formalised system because they were all good friends. I thought this would mean things would be informal. Unfortunately, just when I least expected it, a hierarchy suddenly emerged. Things had to be documented, people started to act all corporate-y. Another thing is I do not get their humour. I am much too uptight for their taste. They enjoyed things I could never imagine myself doing. I am not trying to be a snob but I just really don’t get it. It doesn’t help that I am not very comfortable talking to people I don’t know well.

Here comes issues with myself, with my role. I am confused with my job description. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing and I do not get how the whole university system works. There is really oversaturation in this market. I am supposed to handle the international and exchange students. This much I know, but handle them in what way? Originally, I thought that I could organise events for them, etc., but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Organising events exclusively for them creates 2 problems. First, it is a form of isolating them instead of integrating them. Second, you have to fight with all the bigger organisations who organise bigger scale events than you. This is on top of the lack of funding and the very specific and unresponsive target audience that I have to deal with. If I organise something for the whole student body, I do not have the resources nor the capacity for it. There is another body in charge of that. From all these, all I see is a lot of double work at every level. It is like there is a competition ongoing beneath the surface.

Prior to this post, I thought I could organise events well. It was what I have been doing all throughout my schooling years. But this time, I can't seem to be doing anything right. I mean, sure this is the first time for this committee, and I am sort of a guinea pig. But still, in this field, I consider myself a failure. The job scope and mission is not defined well enough. The role that it will play in the big picture is unclear. There is no clear direction for it. And we are now a bunch of lost souls. The only saving grace is that I am happy to see people in my committee working and planning and interacting. At least they were given a chance to contribute and to be a part of the Bizad community. And yes, through some personal effort, emailing the exchange students, they felt welcome. I believe I could have done a much better job, but I have no regrets taking on this job. if anything, it really taught me a lot. Too bad I may have disappointed the rest of the Bizad community.

After experiencing all sorts of problems, I sort of got an idea of what my role should be, or rather what should be the job description for my successor. The director of IR should serve as a contact point, trying to understand the needs of the international students, communicating those needs to other authorities, promoting Bizad events to them, and communicating with other international organisations within the school for a bigger event. Either that, or you do away with it completely. It should serve a support function, not a core function. After all, there is always NUSSU to cater to everybody else. At the end of the day, we are not only Business School students. We are all NUS students.

When we stop making excuses

2010-02-06T02:07:00.000+08:00

I saw an opportunity to attend a one-day activity with Accenture Pte Ltd which may lead to an internship or a job opportunity. I was excited. Then again, I saw the requirements, the deadline to be met and I hesitated. I had my mind set on relaxing this evening in front of the TV with my branding book. I tried to come up with an excuse, and there I had it. The one day activity is scheduled on the same day as my midterm. There you go. I need not apply anymore. And this has become a pattern for me. I am trying to hide behind all these excuses, to cover up for my laziness and cowardice.

And look at where it got me? Nowhere.... At least not in the places that I want to be. Am I not forced enough? Am I not desperate enough? Maybe I need a lot more pressure to push me to jump across the fence.

Are people really born like this? Is it why they said necessity is the mother of invention? Do we have a tendency to get too comfortable in where we are that we end lagging behind the race?
I feel that I am being so hypocritical. I keep criticising my family members, my uncles, and even my grandfather on how they are running the family business. I keep saying how they have just been settling all these years, that they have been positioning themselves amidst second-class citizens to make themselves feel good. People look up to others for motivation. The look to others for self-gratification. Yet, here I am, just like one of them. I am intimidated to fight face-to-face with all the high-flyers. They are out there conquering while I am taking the back seat and watching them conquer. I will later on complain about not being given a chance and that if I had a chance, I would certainly do better.

This attitude has been bringing me down. If I had not made so many excuses for myself, I will be somewhere better now.

It doesn't cost a fortune

2010-02-02T23:37:00.002+08:00

It all started with a picture of a cafe at Greenbelt 5. After a while, my best friend and I started to drift away into dream land...

I always dreamt that my everyday social life will be like that of the protagonists of Sex and The City...(excluding their sex life.) I adore how they get dressed in fashionable clothing, carry designer handbags, dine at posh restaurants, and are invited to the hottest parties. Above all, they have one another.

As we continued chatting with our minds away in cloud 9, it dawned on me that we do not need that much money to live that lifestyle. It doesn’t cost a fortune to look chic. You only need a few timeless pieces that you can wear everyday, like a luxury watch, a glam piece of jewelry, and a designer handbag. These are the only ones that people can easily identify the brands of. All the rest can be from anywhere as long as you can make it look well put together.

After getting the look, all you need to do is to learn to act the part. Act classy, strut in your heels, smile, and be confident. Don’t giggle like little girls. Smile with your head up high.

It really isn’t that hard. If only I can find people who think the same way as me. For a small group of people who also think that it is worth the effort. It is no longer just about the company but about how you look like with that company.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

2010-01-24T23:36:00.001+08:00

When was the last time you ever did a favour without asking for or even expecting anything in return? I have been thinking about this for quite some time now. Although I do like helping other people and I am more than willing to help my friends, sometimes I can’t avoid keeping tabs on the favours that I have done for others. Occasionally, I will think that it may be time for others to do something for me.

The opposite of it is also true. Before I ask a favour from someone, I always think twice, because I am afraid that the person might use that against me and one day, ask for something in return. I am afraid of the hidden agenda. There is always a catch. Economists say there is no such thing as a free lunch. And I believe them. This is true in business relationships. But what about in our day-to-day social relationships? Are there always strings attached?

A part of me wishes that people can really just be kind-hearted and ask for nothing in return. But a bigger part of me knows that the world is rough out there and each man has his own interests at heart. I am always suspicious of others... doubting their intentions. I do not willingly accept help from others. I know it is an unhealthy habit and I really trying to think better of others. Sadly, I didn’t really get all this unconditional treatment in my childhood days. There was always a price to pay for everything. You can watch tv only after you finish your homework. If you want that toy, score well on this exam. I will take to on a vacation overseas but you have to promise to be the top of your class next semester. You want attention? Then better outshine all your cousins first. You can get that Gucci only if you end up on the dean’s list. After you have accepted the gifts, it backfires. You screw up once and you’ll get: “I gave you that tiffany charm bracelet and this is what you do?”

After going through that before (emphasis on before, because this does not happen anymore), I began thinking in terms of rewards and punishments. You don’t just get something... There must be a reason. I began believing that everybody has an ulterior motive. And this belief of mine is beginning to seem to reflect on what I feel others are thinking. I begin to feel that when people see me, they think I have a hidden agenda. I would start feeling that all relationships with people are fake. Sounds pretty screwed up huh?

This is especially prevalent in career networking stuff. I become afraid to approach others because I feel that they think I am pretentious and I am only talking to them because I need a job. Thinking that others are thinking of me that way just shuts me up. I end up just going for the career talk, listening what they have to say, and then leave. I skip the mingling part.

I have been thinking a lot about this whole strings attached thing for quite some time now. I think about it almost everytime I am alone. I begin contemplating the things that are happening to me and at the end of my self-reflection, I also find all fingers pointed at me. I am the culprit. I am misled by my wrong impressions of people and my misunderstanding of the human brain (at least I hope I am the one mistaken.)I will try to stop thinking this way. I will start to see the good in everybody, that people can have pure relationships with one another, no strings attached.

False Competition

2010-01-21T04:02:00.001+08:00

As I was waiting for my consulting practicum briefing to start, I was talking to a friend and somehow, our conversation led to the topic of competition. He said that in terms of education, there should be no competition. I totally agree. Education is supposed to be for your own good. If ever there will be competition, it is only against yourself, to make yourself better, and to instil discipline.

But somehow, in this exceedingly globalised world where people are good-paying jobs are swiftly being swept away by somebody else in another part of the world, schools have become more competitive as well. I am not just referring to interschool competitiveness but also amongst the students. From a young age, parents and to some extent educators pit the students against themselves, pushing them to be better than the other. I should be very familiar with it. It is what I lived for, for the past 20 years of my life. The only goal was to be better than the next best person in class. But my question is, what is all the competition for? When did education seize to be solely for the sake of learning? When did it become a beauty pageant where ranks must be assigned to every member of the cohort?

All this competition is serving as the wrong motivation for students around the world. Although I must admit that it simplified a lot of things for us since we no longer stopped to think about what we wanted. We all flocked to where everybody else is heading and compete with them heads on. The competition is gratification enough and winning it is more than enough to land us a job and a future. For someone who is too used to this system, it is like an anaesthetic drug. You don’t feel the pain while you are in it. But once you decide to come out of it, you are at a loss. This is precisely what is happening to me. Before, I did not ask so many questions. My goal was to outshine everybody else, whatever the issue may be. Now that I am starting to find some meaning in what I have been doing, I can’t find the answers. Living your own life, pursuing what you want seems to be so dull without everybody else chasing you around trying to outrun you. Somehow, it feels like something is missing. Before, you could get comfort in that you must be heading the right way because everybody was heading that way. In such a big crowd, people tend to be scattered along the way and you seek solace in the familiar faces you pass by on your route to the finish line.

Now that I decided to shy away from the competition and follow only myself, I end alone in this long journey. There are no street signs, no familiar faces. All that is facing me is a deep abyss. Do I really need all that competition in my life to get my going? Is that really what pushes me and nothing else? What has the current system done to us? If only social norms came and went and came back in cycles like fashion does, I would wait for the time when pursuing one’s ideals was the “in” thing, and doing it was more rewarding that it was frightening. I would wait for the time when all this theoretically unnecessary competition to go away.

When your ego is hurting you

2010-01-19T02:18:00.000+08:00

As I progress through my self-development reading list, I came across a book entitled Egonomics by David Marcum and Steven Smith. I have not yet finished reading the whole book but I am well through the first half which is enough to make the point that your ego is a double-edged sword that can be both your greatest asset and your most expensive liability. I have already skimmed through the 4 warnings provided to alert you that the sword is slowly sinking deeper and deeper into your own stomach instead of that of your opponent.

The first warning sign is being comparative which almost always leads to being competitive and eventually results in being counter-productive. Once you start comparing yourself to others, you are setting an improper benchmark for yourself. You may be comparing yourself to people who are not yet up to par, giving you a false sense of superiority and hence complacency. You may be comparing yourself to someone way better than you, giving you a false sense of inferiority and hence pushing you into withdrawal or self-destructive behaviour. Well of course, there are those that are in between but best practice dictates that you compare only against yourself. Constantly try to improve yourself, make yourself a better person in comparison to who you currently are.

The second warning sign is being defensive. This should be differentiated from defending an idea. Being defensive means, that in your opinion, you are always right. You are not open to the views of others. You do not accept feedback or criticism. You take an attack on your opinion to be equivalent to a personal attack. This impedes open communication. At the end, not the best ideas prevail. This is very harmful for organisations.

The third warning sign is showcasing brilliance. “Look at me” is written all over your face. You become a show-off and are out to make everybody else look bad. You are desperate to make people see how good you are. You may be really good, but this kind of behaviour makes people discount your talent to just mere arrogance. Your talent is being wasted.

The fourth warning sign is seeking acceptance. You lose yourself. You want to feed your ego with people’s words of regard and stamps of approval. You are compromising who you are. You risk sounding fake and just sucking up to your boss. You say what you feel will make people like you instead of what you really think. It can get you to some high places, but often times, these are not the right places for you.

After reading about these 4 warning signs, I started to look to myself. Is my own ego, or lack thereof, becoming a burden to me? It did not take long before my head was ringing with an astounding “YES!” I am guilty to 3 out of the 4 or perhaps at times, 4 out of 4 of the warning signals.

I am definitely being too comparative. I even google my peers for Christ’s sake. Very rarely have I looked back to who I was before and see if I have improved. Never have I wanted to improve myself for the sake of improving myself alone. It has always been relative to somebody else. From my grades in primary school, to my achievements in high school, to the college I went into, to my future job prospects, and most certainly to my future marriage prospects. I have always been compared to other people- my siblings, my classmates, my cousins, my schoolmates.... There is always someone said to be smarter, prettier, sexier, a better speaker, friendlier and everything –er than myself. And yes, I began to think of myself as at the bottom of the food pyramid, useless, ordinary and was born only to be preyed upon by others. The result? A very unhealthy ego.

I am most certainly defensive. I do not take criticism well. Speaking ill of me is enough to make me want to jump out the window. I do not even have the guts to put myself out there to be judged by others. I personally know that there is a lot missing in me, but somehow, I cannot bear to hear the words uttered to my face. It is enough that I know it, I do not need affirmation of it.

As to whether or not I showcase brilliance, I am not sure. (I don’t think I am brilliant in the first place.) But I think sometimes, I can be too much of a show-off, especially if I find it necessary to live up to this certain image of myself whether that image may be true or fictional. I do tend to not pay attention to others and think that everybody else is useless and that my ideas are the best. This is especially so when it comes to group work and I do not really regard my groupmates as ingenious individuals. But I can say that this sign flashes less frequently compared to the other signs.

This last sign I am 100% guilty of. I do things to seek approval. For the past 20 years of my existence, that was my life goal. I do not ask whether or not I want to do something. I could always force myself to do something so long as I know that it will improve other’s perception of me. I tried to seek approval from my grandfather, my parents, my teachers, some “friends”, employers, NUS office personnel, and acquaintances that I wish would be my friends.

Reading about this is actually turning my life around and it is coming at a very opportune time. I have recently been thinking about what my life is all about and what I want to do with my life. Gone were the days when my mom dictated what I should and should not do. I am on my own now. For so long, I was fighting for the right to make my own decisions as my heart, (or for my case, more of my mind) dictates, and I finally earned that right. But I realize that it isn’t as easy as I expected it to be mainly because I don’t know what I really want. I am scared to think about what I really want. I am too used to following the bandwagons and role-playing. I did whatever people expected me to do, and did it slightly better than the rest. But it is over now. The only reason I should do something is if it is a matter of life and death or if I am truly interested in it. I am re-mapping my efforts to lead me to the right destination.

From the “analysis” above, it appears that my ego is my greatest enemy, my waterloo, my Achilles’ heel. I have to have to courage to admit that and then move forward. The road ahead will be one where I am riding on my own strengths, to do what I like to do, to make myself a better person for myself, and for my own future. I will be the captain of my ship, the master of my own destiny. In my road to success, the first step I need to take is to have a healthy ego, the right balance between knowing what one is capable of, and admitting one’s limitations.

E-vanity and its repercussions

2010-01-16T15:53:00.003+08:00

Aboard an SQ flight from Manila to Singapore, I remember reading an article about people who google themselves. I can't recall all the details of the text but this is the gist of it. People google themselves to check their popularity. They are ecstatic when search results return a few entries that had their names on them. (very crucial for people with low self-esteem) This is one's way of re-affirming one's status. This used to be something done by public figures in order to know what the general public think about them, but commoners are increasingly subscribing to this task to fulfill their thirst for those 3 minutes of fame. This activity feeds one's ego.. to a certain extent. But it can go the other way as well. After googling oneself there is an impulse to google others, such as one's friends, rivals, colleagues and the like. More joy is obtained if the other names yielded less results, however, what happens if they yield more web page results, aka they are more popular in the world wide web? What effect that does have on the individual? It may raise issues of self-doubt. It can even trigger a person to exhibit self-destructive behaviour. But why is this so? Is this even true at all?

I have to be very honest about this. I have done it before. I have googled myself a gazillion times before and much to my dismay, the only results that actually come up are records of my NUS Alumni group, my high school class database, and a newspaper article about me being awarded the Singapore scholarship. Sad isn't it? Then again, I am no celebrity.

But I have also tried it on the names of my friends, especially those I look up to/ are jealous of... Those results are often in the form of blog sites, social networking sites, and yes, school databases and newspaper articles. Truth be told, I felt my heart sink everytime one of their names yielded much more results than mine. It made me feel either insignificant or lonely. Insignificant because they are my peers yet they have far out-achieved me in terms of name dropping in newspapers. Lonely because I don't even have friends who write about me in their blogs, nor is my multiply or facebook account active enough to catch the attention of the world wide web search engines. These google searches are often followed by disappointment, a trip from seventh heaven to the seventh pit of hell, and a vow to do some soul-searching to find something that will make me great- blogging, fashion design, interior design, music, video editing, photography, jewelry making and what nots.

I have also stalked people's friendster, multiply, and facebook sites trying to look at their most recent activities and to observe the happening events in their lives. Did they attend some birthday party? Hit the bar? Travel overseas? This activity is often climaxed either by me hating my friends for not caring much about me to flood my facebook wall or by me hating my life for not being as "happening" as those of others.

You see, at the end of it all, my attempt to certify my so-called "fame" status resulted in the exact contrary. It made me feel like a loser, a little speck of dust in this enormous universe whose presence or absence will have no impact on other people. I feel like shit. At the end of it, I am most certainly not happy nor ecstatic. I am sad, lonely, and full of self-doubt.

Since this realisation hit me, I have tried to avoid engaging in this e-vanity activity, but there are still times when I just can't avoid it. :P

Furnishing innovations

2010-01-13T23:43:00.009+08:00

Necessity is indeed the mother of invention. It is really amazing what so many restrictions/ limitations can make you do.

In my recent trip back home to the Philippines, I went CRAZY. I went accessory shopping. Headbands, bracelets, necklaces, pendants, brooches.....I bought so much that when I got back to Singapore, I have no place to put them. The night I arrived, I had unpacked everything- all the clothes, the shoes, the books, the CDs, the makeup.... all that was left undealt with were my BLING. They have been lying in my almost empty suitcase for almost a week before I found a way to store them.

After rotting in my cubhole for almost a week with my imperial chinese DVDs, I decided to get my ass up and go "soul-searching." By that I mean find something I can change in my life. I used to go to bookstores for that, but this time around I went to IKEA. As I walked through aisles and aisles of showrooms, I had a very strong urge to buy tons fo furniture and redecorate the whole place. I want a fancy kitchen, a huge modern living room with black leather sofas, spacious worktables, a tall dresser and more wardrobe space. Okay, that's way out of the topic.

My main purpose of going there was to look for storage ideas for my newly acquired BLING. As I looked around, I got more and more depressed by the minute because all of them required to be fastened to the walls with nails.

You see, the fact that I am only renting a place and not the owner of the place has set a lot of limitations to what I can do to my room. I can't paint the walls pink. I can't paste those cute figures on the walls. I can't tear down the walls to give me more closet space. I can't drill holes for hooks or anything else.

As a result, I had to be more innovative- think out of the box. I tried to get hold of almost everything in the store that did not need to be nailed to the walls. And alas, I found exactly what I needed. ( and no, I didn't just get boxes to be stacked on the floor) I wanted to be able to proudly display my accessories in my room in a way that I could see all of them clearly and I could take them out easily as well. In the end, I got a lamp shade as a stand for all my headbands and a pot lid organiser, tied to my bed, to hang my necklaces and bangles. I was deeply pleased with the result. It might not be such a great feat but I am very proud of it.

My lampshade turned headband rack.

RATIONELL VARIERA (Before)
Pot lid organiser from IKEA

Pot lid organiser turned accessory rack

Finally, I am letting my brain roam free, my brain juices to flow. I am no longer letting myself be restrained by labels, by rules or anything else. In face value, it seems like just a very shallow task of storing accessories. But deep down, for me, it is a big step. It tells me that My brain is not so static after all.

Branded obsession

2009-11-25T21:57:00.002+08:00

It is official! I am obsessed with luxury goods. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't help but notice it.

When I see a person, the very first thing I look at are their shoes, after that their clothes, their bag, and other accessories. With every look, I am trying to decipher where they got their stuff from and around how much they cost. With that, I can more or less get a gauge of what they are worth. I know it is not fair, but I have been brought up to pay special attention to how put together one looks. I just can't help it.

A person walks by and I will notice that Prada tote she is carrying or that tiffany bracelet or that cartier watch. It's my natural instinct. I will also try to see if its real or a knock-off or second hand. There's definitely a way to tell. I will frequent the different stores to try to familiarise myself with new styles, see the signature mark of the different designers so that the next time I see someone carrying them, I will be able to tell immediately. By now, I am sure what you are thinking, "I am a total nut!"

Maybe I am.

What was I thinking?

2009-11-23T14:23:00.001+08:00

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about just going home, back to the Philippines. All these thoughts started with my wanting to do luxury retail and I went to our career services office only to be discouraged and let down. I then went on to rant to my sister. Here's an excerpt of our dialogue.

Me: " I swear I won't go back to them for help."
Sis: " Well, you don't need their help."
Me: "Right, I can find a job myself."
Sis: "Or you can go home. With an NUS degree, it's gonna be easier to get a good job back home."

That really got me thinking... you know, she's right. She's not the only one who thinks that way. I was talking to my friends too and they were telling me whether or not I was considering going home where I might have better prospects in the field that I want.

I have been thinking a lot about what they have said and now that's more or less all I can think about... going home... It's like I am no longer happy here... Yes, I enjoy the freedom.. Yes, my life has changed for the better.. Yes, I am more confident now.. but bottomline is am I happy overall...

How many times have I gone to the mall alone spent hours and hours shopping just to kill time.. just to be around people even if i don't know them.... How many times have I watched movies by myself? I've even made a habit out of it.... How many times have I hesitated to eat at a restaurant because I was eating alone that I end up going to the food court....

I mean I know I can just make more friends here but somehow, I am not very good at it... I can easily respond to change if it involves me adapting to a new place... but I am not that adaptable when it comes to dealing with other people... I choose people I can easily approach... Sadly, I am not as sociable as I would have wanted to be...

The only thing that is stopping me from going home is the missed opportunities here. I mean, I have already worked so hard to get here and the pay here is higher and all that.... so why will I go back?

Right: "Why are you going back? The opportunites are here!!! Besides, what will they say if you go back now? That you couldn't handle it here? That you are incapable?"

Left: "But I am tired.... Besides, I can do well back home too..."

Right: " Sure you can... but it will never be as good as here... "

Left: "But I'm not happy...."

Right: "Who cares about happiness? Success.... that's what matters!"

This is a dialogue that is always going on in my head over and over again everytime I think about going home... I am torn.. will it really be a shame to just go home?

Of chandeliers, carpets, glamour and grandeur

2009-11-01T20:22:00.005+08:00

After attending a couple of parties here in Singapore, I realised one thing. I took the parties back home for granted.

So far I have attended 4 of my friends' 21st birthday parties, and so far, they are O-K-A-Y. I mean, the feeling is there... there is food, there is music... the warmth of friends is probably there too, but the festive mood isn't. The whole social aspect of it is not present. The parties are thrown simply to celebrate an occasion. There is not much consideration for anything else. Compared to the parties I attended back home, these parties are very simple and practical. Yet at the end of the day, everybody was happy. I guess, it's just not what I was used to.

I can't help but recall the number of parties that I have attended ever since I was a kid. Most of them were in huge Chinese restaurants or hotels with high ceilings, grand chandeliers, carpets and at least a 10-dish meal including shark's fin soup, steamed crab, and tiger prawns. Each of these parties involved anywhere from 30 to 100 tables and these were the norm.

As for those grand birthday parties, they normally happen a couple of times in one's lifetime... The 1st birthday, the 7th, quincanera (16th), the 18th (21st in other countries), chinese 16th, and maybe 80th? basically, when you reach around 65 or 70, every year gets to be celebrated. lol.

Since I am comparing to the 21st birthday parties that I have attended, I shall just discuss the 18th birthday party or what is known more as a debut. All these debuts that I attended are held either in restaurants or hotels, involve lovely gowns or at least cocktail dresses, lots of good food, at least a 2-tiered cake, a theme, and formal social dancing. It was a grand thing. A time to feel like a princess ( and look like one too.) It was an opportunity to dress up for everyone. And everybody wanted to look good socially, especially the host. Every detail is paid attention to, especially decor and menu. The theme, the programme, all meant to fit the coming of age of a young lady. It's pretty much like a small scale wedding. Nevertheless, there are formalities and grandeur. Yet, I never gave it much thought before.

I got too used to it, I forgot about its monetary value. I failed to consider the costs associated with such parties and how much a waste of resources they really are. Yet, people still kept having them and enjoying them. I saw parties as a status symbol. It was not about the celebration. It was about who attends the party, what people say about it, and how many praises you receive, trying to justify the exhorbitant expenses that you incurred for that little affirmation of your status.

But having attended the parties here made me think twice about what parties mean. The sad thing about the whole thing is, I would still rather have the glamour and grandeur than the heartfelt meaning of the celebration. Have I become too corrupt now that even if I know it is wrong, I still make the conscious choice to pursue it?

NO, It is not enough!!!

2009-10-30T13:28:00.004+08:00

A hear a lot of people saying that as long as he is nice to you, then that is more than enough. Well, sorry my dears, but I beg to differ. I can surely say that NO, it is not enough. There are a lot of other things about a guy that matters to me than him being nice, sweet, honest, and hardworking. I know these are the qualities that people in the past looked for or valued the most- back in the time when life was simpler, but not anymore.

There are so many things that we need to worry about now. Things are no longer black and white, street smarts, EQ, and all those soft skills become so important. Knowing how to present yourself to society, networking, being capable and independent, these are what I care about more. If a guy has these, all the rest will follow. In my head, I always imagine that I will end up with someone like Mr Darcy. He isn't the sweetest of all men, can be a bit conceited, but he was established, capable, headstrong, decisive- qualities that make me respect someone and really catch my attention. Sorry, but I am a practical and materialistic person that much I admit. However, I am confident and convinced that I will not date or marry for money.. That money I can make myself, but I will not compromise on the things that I live by, the things my parents showered me with, the qualities they instilled in me, and the level of criticality about other people's personalities and behaviour that my dad never failed to remind me of.

I mean, sure, they say love is blind.. Fine... but I'm pretty sure you don't need eyesight to sense the characteristics of someone. You can just feel it right?

I don't know about you, but I will not settle for something less. The next time somebody tells you that him being nice is reason enough, think again.... ask yourself if that's all you deserve. :)

Julie and Julia

2009-10-28T00:33:00.002+08:00

I just came home from watching Meryl Streep's latest movie Julie and Julia and I must say, I am very much touched and inspired by it.

For those who are not familiar, let me give you a brief background about it. Basically, it is about the magic of how the paths of 2 people from different generations cross because of their love for cooking. The main plot revolves around Julia Child, a housewife who eventually becomes a famous cookbook writer, and Julie Powell (Amy Adams), who Julia Child and decides to follow every single recipe in Julia's cookbook in a year's time while at the same time blogging about it.

I admire Julie's determination, the way she set her goals and really worked hard to achieve it... Of course the occasional breakdowns amidst it all is inevitable but the most important part is that she persevered on.... How I wish I had her determination in doing something.

I was thinking that if I follow Julie's lead, what will I set as my goal? number of blog entries? number of fashion drawings? Books read? What is one thing that I am really passionate about - Something that can make me put down whatever it was I was doing. I don't really have an answer to that yet.. But I swear to find it.

Another thing that I can't help but notice in the movie is the fashion aspect of it. I have been constantly admiring what they were wearing, It had a very laid back, country feel to it, but with a hint of sophistication because of the strand of pearl necklace constantly hanging on Meryl Streep's neck. I also loved how Amy Adams could wear a pearl necklace with a T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Maybe I shall attempt it another time. But I feel it is very hard to pull off.

"You deserve it... not!"

2009-10-25T22:59:00.004+08:00

We have always been told to be happy for the success of others, to truly applaud them for their achievements and to encourage them when they fail. As much I would like to do this, (don't get me wrong, I do try to be happy for others..) this is really very hard to do. Why? Because doing so goes against our very own human nature. People are selfish creatures. We always think about ourselves above everybody else.

I remember this episode from the hit comedy series "Friends". In that episode, Joey was telling Phoebe that there is no good deed done that is not selfish. Even if you do something good for others, the main goal is to make yourself feel good rather than helping the other person. I personally agree with this. In whatever we do, we always have a selfish motive behind it.

Same is true for complimenting other people. How many times have we shaken the hands of our friend for winning an award that you so desperately want as well? We go forth and congratulate them telling them that they really deserve it, when in fact, deep down, we are fuming with anger because they stole something that we feel was rightfully ours.

I have tried countless times to be happy for others but the green-eyed monster, more often than not, gets the better of me. It is only if I really look up to someone or really really cares for someone am I able to give them a sincere pat on the back for a job very well done. Otherwise, I struggle with the voice inside me and try to put on the mask with the widest smile. I may sound like a selfish, pretentious bitch but I am just being honest. I am not an evil person but I am no saint either. I haven't reached the stage of higher existence whereby one become devoid of all selfishness, evil, and corruption. I am sure most of you out there haven't as well. Hence, most of us are still victims of our own egos. I am not condemning everybody nor am I asking everybody to raise an inner red flag whenever someone compliments you. Just be happy that those people actually make an effort to subdue their jealousy and pay you a compliment. It is enough that they are trying their best to sound as sincere as they can be.

Freckles

2009-09-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

This is a song I am loving right now. It is a perfect feel-good song because it describes a feeling that I experience ever so often. It is also constantly reassures me that there is a lot more beyond what meets the eye. We must all learn to embrace our imperfections...

Freckles by Natasha Bedingfield

I used to care so much about what others think about
Almost didn't have a thought of my own
The slightest remark would make me embark
On the journey of self doubt
But that was a while ago
This girl has got stronger
If I knew then what I know now
I would have told myself don't worry any longer it's OK

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are
Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
Would the whole world fall at my feet?
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn't belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are
Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

Reflecting who you are
Reflecting who you are
HmmmWhoooooo whoa hmmmm oooooo

'cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars
Why waste a second not loving who you are
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are
Who you are
Who you are
Who you are

Can we just stop and talk awhile...

2009-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

After listening to this song by Jose Mari Chan, a thought came to mind. Oh how i would love to tell this to all my friends so that we can just spend some time to talk about life, chill, and remain updated as to the happenings in each other's lives.

A while back, I changed my msn status to "Regular meetings over cocktails and good food... Just chilling... how i long for those days." This is not the first time that I put this message up there. I am really longing for company.. for people I could call up anytime so that we could just talk. It can be a group of people or just one person whom I meet regularly and can talk about anything with. Imagine sex and the city with Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte... 4 ladies, having brunch or dinner, or drinks, talking about the lastest happenings in their lives, giving each support and advice... Isn't it lovely?

How I wish I could have a group of people whom I can do that with.... TO have regular meet-ups to look forward to, a bond of friendship to hold on to, and bastion of support to rely on... That would be absolutely wonderful....

Sadly, my friends arent here with me. They are thousands of miles away. I know I need to make friends with people who are near me, but somehow that ain't very easy. For 2 years, I have been on a search... I found some people, but it just isn't the same. When I came into their lives, they already had their own lives, while I am starting mine. I am an intruder to be welcomed. But I need to get past this stage and be a part of their lives for real. I need to get rid of my inhibitions and approach people to find someone who I can relate well to... I wish it were easy to approach a stranger and say, " Can we just stop and talk awhile..." Then probably, I wouldn't be in this situation....

For a place we can proudly call our home...

2009-08-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

I asked my friend earlier if she would rather get a huge dowry upon marriage or buy a new house for the family now.... She said she would choose the dowry... But I wouldn't. I'd go for the house... Here's why....

This is all a matter of priorities and confidence in the future. For me, i'd rather have a better home than having riches stored somewhere. Ever since I was a kid, I always envied those that lived in nice houses. It need not be a mansion, but a homey place. A place that is neat, clean, with a healthy environment, condusive for growth and self-development. A place that you would look forward to go home to at the end of the day. It makes a big difference in one's life and one's mood. It really does.

I remember complaining a lot when I was a kid, because there was so many things that I could not do at home. Because it was a common area... with 20 other people living in it, we had to be considerate. I also didnt have my own room and we were trying to make the most of the space available... There was no space for aesthetics. Only practical uses were entertained. However, the concept that we have to be thankful for what we had was prevalent in the household. As such, we were all trash collectors. Nobody wanted to get rid of stuff. They just kept and kept.. Stacked boxes and boxes of useless stuff... Wasting precious space... How am I sure they are useless? Once they were kept, those boxes have never been opened again.. they are just collecting dust... If they were important, they would have been opened regularly. I tried telling my parents to get rid of it but they were unwilling... Fine... As time passes by, people grow, people mature, the things they prefer also changes, and so does their living patterns. hence, the appearance of ur dwelling home should also change... get rid of the old, make way for the new. Sadly, that's not happening. The place looks exactly as it did ages ago. i suggested changes, but they turned a deaf ear on me... Now you see, how dissatisfied I am with the place... Space is limited, get rid of all the clutter... It's not about how big the place it.. it's about how it is managed...

Based on that narration, you should realize how important the home is for me... I want it to be nice and homey... It's not just a house. It must be a home. Forget about the old stuff.. no need to keep hanging on to it.... We must all learn to move on... As a result, I'd rather not have any dowry and just get a new place if money is the issue. I am sure I can earn that money in the future to buy the jewels that I want. But I can't use future money to buy a good home now. So forget about keeping all the money for us.. just use it to make the years that we have left together be filled with good memories, a lot of warmth in a place we would all proudly call our home....

Back on track

2009-08-23T22:38:00.000+08:00

I apologize for having neglected you for quite some time. I was wandering aimlessly through life for a period of time and what I realised is that it isn't fun at all. That kind of slacking, carefree days are just not for me. I thrive on stress. Work is the fuel for my engine. Without it, I will be bored and miserable. I need things to do. Now that school has started, I shall slowly be buried again... I like this feeling... Deadlines are something to look forward to. YOu might think I am insane... But alas, you are hearing a true blue workaholic!

I am still trying to decide which industries I should go into upon graduation. I am also trying to find a passion.. a hobby... I think I have found it though in the form of luxury retail. It reconciles my love for fashion with business acumen, tight schedules, strategy, and stress- all being hidden behind the elegant facade of the flagship store front. I need to do more research on it though. If not, private equity and any valuation related job would be good too.

A few days ago, my friend posted something on my facebook wall. She said she liked my new style. She thinks my outfits look cute lately. That is only one part of me that has changed. I am more daring now. I dare to be different. I dare to stand out. I dare to be true to myself. I hope this marks the start of a better sem- one that is filled with a hell lot of fun, a lot of practical learning, and a lot of opportunities. I am willing to give this whole academic excellence thing another try.I am ready to learn anew....

Expression through song

2009-07-07T21:43:00.002+08:00

For the past week, my facebook status has been derived from the lyrics of some song, whatever it was I was listening to moments before the status update.

At this point, I am just fascinated at the power of the lyrics of a song. It was written by some random person who may not have any connection with you, yet whatever he/she wrote somehow relates to and extends to you. The lines are so thought-provoking at times as well, that it is surprising that they haven't yet been adapted into adages of our time.

I didn't use to pay attention to the lyrics of the song.... I just listened to the melody... but nowadays, you would realize that the melodies of the songs are all somewhat similar, they may have altered the chords around a bit, but they still sound alike. As a result, my attention is now shifted to appreciating the words and I must say.. such wise words....

From now on, I will try to express my thoughts through song.......

"If there's so much I must be, can I still be me, the way I am...
Can I trust in my own heart, or am I just one part of some big plan?"- We are one, Lion King

A day spent at home

2009-06-28T16:26:00.002+08:00

It's a perfectly good Sunday and I decided to spend it at home. It feels funny typing that sentence out, since I have long seized to be a homebody. In fact, it has been ages since I last spent a weekend at home. I felt that it is very boring to stay at home. I would rot from boredom. But somehow, I was just to lazy to get my ass out of the house that I decided to stay home and bum around.

It actually feels good staying at home. I am able to re-live to old pleasures of just listening to soulful music, reading a novel, and sinking deep into one's own thoughts. I am productive yet I feel relaxed. Now, that is a good way to start a week right.

I have decided to go back to my old habit of reading a lot.. reading like mad... I have a very long book list right now. In addition, I am not going to waste time on those chic literature and other pieces of literary junk. I will focus on classics, on real works of art- to further improve my English and my writing skills.

With this decision, I expect to be spending more time at home from now on... away from the lure of commercial merchandise that causes me to sin and go broke. :) I am once again a self-declared homebody.

The Good Life

2009-06-21T16:45:00.002+08:00

I just baked macadamia nut chocolate chip cookies. The smell of the freshly baked cookies as I took them out of the oven was heavenly. The aroma suddenly took me to a little cottage in the mountains one spring afternoon. The weather is perfect. I was with a group of close friends we were about to have high tea. Freshly baked cookies, freshly brewed coffee, and a long list of gossip topics..... Ah! The good life.....

I really miss all these little simple pleasures that used to brighten up people's days in the past. Life in the cities have become too fast paced.... People have become too practical... A lot of little sweet nothings have now disappeared. We have gone too used to electricity, machines, ready-made goods, packaged food and all the easy-way-outs.

I want to go back to the past.... to the time when people still had time to slowly appreciate and enjoy life, when people did not have to work their asses off everyday in power suits, when ladies could stroll in the gardens, smelling flowers, enjoying the morning breeze, when women did not have to march and run around in their 4-inch stilletos.... if only we could re-live the past... and experience the good simple life..... away from all the chaos, the hustle-bustle of the city......

Every Day is a Fashion Show

2009-06-19T22:06:00.003+08:00

I just realized I am being more and more critical about what others are wearing. Don't get me wrong. I am no fashionista (I can't pull together many types of outfits), but somehow, I take notice of all the small details in other's outfits. The prints, the patterns, the cut, the fit, the length.. do the pieces go well together? Are they well put together? Is it a fashion mess?

Every day, each and every one of us becomes a designer, putting together our own little fashion show. The streets are out catwalk. Either the night before or on the morning itself, we will spend some time choosing our outfit looking at ourselves in the mirror to see if we look the least bit presentable. Although some may argue that they don't plan their clothes. They just grab and go but I don't really believe it. Somehow, one way or the other, we will catch a glimpse of our reflection, either on the elevator door, the bus side mirror or even the glass wall in the office. A question then comes to mind. What do our clothes really represent and why do we take the pains in choosing them?

Some say our clothes are like our handwritings. They represent who we are. People can say a lot about a person just by looking at how they dress. If this is true, what can we say about those who change their styles ever so often?

Others say clothes are a way of keeping up with the times, of following the bandwagon, of struggling to be relevant. But then, there are some pieces that are just timeless. The classic men's white shirt and the LBD will never go out of style.

Whatever clothes represent or whatever their purpose will be different for each person, but we cannot refute that it has become a very important part of our lives, now feedinga thriving industry of designers, seamstresses, laundry shops, and a gazillion consumers. It has now become such a powerful driving force of today's society. Because, under current convention, it is only proper for all of us to wear clothes, forcing all of us to strut on that catwalk. We are all having the fashion show of our lives.

Feeling Good about Yourself

2009-06-18T20:22:00.002+08:00

I have a new philosophy: "Never shop if you feel good about yourelf!" Why? Becuase it makes you look at yourself in a different way. It makes all the pimples disappear as you look into the mirror. It makes your hair look extra sexy, you wasit a little thinner, your thighs with a little less cellulite, your butt a little firmer and suddenly, you feel like you are the most stunning creature on earth. As a result, whatever you try on looks nice and you end up buying them because they look fabulous on you. But on a bad day, you put them on and you start wondering why you ever bought them in the first place.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. In fact, there is no reason why you shouldn't. Never mind that you will end up spending a bit more than you should. I am sure the way you feel is going to be worth more than the price you paid for that bright Barbie pink neon pumps. (or whatever was your impulse buy...)

Recently, I felt like I have changed a lot. I am no longer that very emo, pathetic girl who always questioned her abilities. I am more confident now. I know my worth and I know what I am capable of. I am taking a new perspective into people's puzzled looks. Before, I would think people were saying, "How could she? Who does she think she is doing that?" behind my back. Now, I'd rather imagine people saying "Wow! I wish I had her guts and her confidence. I hope I could do it too." I know it sounds really vain, but there is nothing wrong with asserting oneself. I am tired of playing it safe - wearing boring neutral clothes, keeping quiet and refusing to express an opinion, being the goody goody girl that people don't take notice of, always having my head bowed down.... I am ready to express myself. I will wear what I want. I will show people my spunk. I will be confident. I will be ME.

Forgive me if this sounds more like a feel good entry more than anything. I am just tired of always saying "I wish" It is time to say "I will or I am." I spent days stalking people who have achieved so much in life or at least seems like they have accomplished a lot. I have been googling people I know to find out how many results come out. Until I realized, why am I being so pathetic? Why do I have to care about others so much? They have achieved a lot but I can too. I don't want to be the one researching about other people to find out about them. I want to be the one being searched for. :P

Extinction of Gentlemen

2009-06-17T22:58:00.002+08:00

I was sitting on the bus yesterday, happily listening to the entries to this year's Grammy awards on my Ipod when I saw this lady get on the bus. She was dressed so prettily, with her perfect highlights, face all made up, LV bag in hand. When she got on the bus, she gave everybody a very puzzled look, particularly the guy beside me. Throughout the whole bus ride, she kept looking at everybody on the bus, struggling to keep her balance on her 4-inch heels everytime the bus comes to an abrupt halt. I could just imagine what was going through her mind the whole time. 'Why in the world do I have to stand in the bus? Why isn't any guy giving up his seat for me? Can't they see it is hard to keep one's balance in high heels in such a crowded bus? What happened to all the chivalrous, gentlemanly acts that were supposed to be preached to all boys as kids?' Haha! Poor lady. Too bad it was the 8 oclock bus so it would definitely be crowded. Everybody is rushing to work. Also, gentlemen are in the brink of extinction. No more giving up seats for, opening doors for, and lifting stuff for females. This is growing to be a fact particularly in our current society. So ladies, sorry, you and I are just gonna h ave to suck it up. We wanted to be empowered and fought for equal rights before, we are gonna have to bear the consequences of our actions, or rather the actions of our ancestors. lol. We are now equals hence no reason for them to give you the special treatment.

Imperfections

2009-06-07T22:53:00.001+08:00

I recently watched a short clip telling us about how it is our little imperfections that make us perfect. This is a very thought-provoking message. At first, it sounded like total bullshit to me, but after thinking it through, I was amazed at the truth of it. Believing in this truth can be life-changing, especially for perfectionists like me who always think that people will easily be turned-off because of who I am.

What do these imperfections refer to? They are those little quirkiness, our idiosyncracies that give us character. They are the things that set us apart from everybody else, the very things that people first notice and will remember when they meet us. They are what defines us. Despite this, it is so funny how we all try to change ourselves to fit into the perfect stereotypes that the media has bombarded us with. We did all we could to conceal our imperfections from our acquaintances. We were all trying to give the perfect impression. Yet at the end of the day, we are still ignored and easily forgotten. Then we look at the one who was successful and start to judge him/her. We start to look at her flaws and blame others for being blind to those flaws. However, what we forgot to acknowledge was that those flaws were what made them successful in the first place. They stood out, they became memorable. Eventually, people will learn to look beyond those flaws and accept them. These are things that we have to remember.

There is nothing wrong with being imperfect. Imperfection makes us special, endearing, and absolutely remarkable. This will be the new adage I will be living my life by from now on. I am me. I make mistakes and I know it and that's what makes me absolutely perfect!

after thoughts

2009-05-24T20:56:00.002+08:00

It's been over a month since I last wrote. A lot had happened since then. My exchange program to University of Southern California has ended. I am again back in Singapore dying in the killer weather. I have moved in a new place. I finally get my own room which I have slowly transformed into a pink explosion. (Well, it's still in the works. I am yet to get more pink stuff in, but that is the plan. ) I finally have a big spacious kitchen that has an oven so I have started baking, thanks to the influence of Sheryl. So far, I have baked twice. The first time, I made orange cake, the second time, coconut balls. Both baking adventures had some mishap but they ended up pretty good. My internship at KPMG has also started. Actually, I've only attended training so far. I report to my unit on Monday. I am actually liking the company culture. I can't say much about it yet, but I will do so as time goes by. In addition, I have signed a spa package that gives massages, facials, body wrap, and other treatments for my physical wellbeing. Plus, we have started cooking dinner at home to minimize our times eating out.

So much has happened since I got back. I must say, my exchange trip caused my outlook in life to change. It clarified my goals, forced me to make decisions, improved my opinion on a lot of things, and opened my eyes to reality. It corrected all the misconceptions that I once had about the world, about USA, the American culture, and the independent life. It also helped me understand myself more and made me bravely acknowledge my weaknesses and admit my failures.

Now that I am back in Singapore, I am ready to embark on a new lifestyle- one that is more responsible, more productive, and more meaningful. It starts with getting sufficient sleep, engaging in more activities (baking and cooking), making our house feel like a home (keeping it clean and cozy, spending time with the people at home, preparing and having meals together, etc.), keeping close contact with my friends and making new ones, reading more books, making everyday a part of a never-ending learning process. I can't say much about what I will really do in my life since they might end up as empty promises, but I will write about it once I have actually made significant changes.

Spotlight on Giuseppe Zanotti

2009-04-22T09:20:00.003+08:00

A woman can never have enough shoes. Talking about shoes, Some famous brands immediately come to mind- Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, and Salvatore Ferragamo are probably the most famous ones. Other than these three, there are a gazillion other designers out there who dedicated their time producing every woman's most loved accessory. However, of all the many designers out there, very few really managed to make good shoes. One of the select few is Giuseppe Zanotti. In as little as a decade, he has managed to place his name side by side with the masters. He has brought his hometown's time-honored shoe making tradition to create the item that women most adore. Beginning in the mid-nineties, he has embarked on a project called Vicini that will manufacture every girl's dream shoes. Now, his brand is certainly a strong force to reckon with in the luxury shoes sector.

Watch out. I will be saving up for my first pair of Giuseppe Zanottis:)

It is easy to die

2009-04-21T10:18:00.003+08:00

In the latest episode of Desperate Houewives, Edie said something that really struck me... It was a sentence of beatuiful and so meaningful that it is worth remembering and quoting. "It is easy to die if you know you have lived." That is very true. It means the same thing as living life with no regrets.. Live today as if it were your last. There is no day but today.

There have been so many adages that have emerged through time, from the wise words of ancient philosophers to teachings in religions, and nowadays, even popular media. But somehow, people don't take these to heart. People still live irresponsibly. People still think they have a long road ahead of them. They can make up for lost time next time. There will always be a next time.

I myself am guilty for this kind of behavior. I always postpone things. I don't take advantage of the opportunities that arise, thinking it's okay, I can do better next time. Reality check: how many next times can a person have? Second chances don't always come. Now, I am left thinking, have I really been living all along or have I just been passing time? What happens if I have no tomorrow? Did I live up to what I want to be remembered as? I am going to need to change the way I view life. I should start seeing it as a one time shot rather than a progressive training camp. Life is a buzzer-beater. One that ball is thrown, it must go into the basket or else the game is lost. It is not a three-point shootout where you can accummulate points. Life is too short. Make it count. Make it worthwhile. Live a life!

Another confession

2009-04-15T05:44:00.002+08:00

I have a thing for luxury goods... If given a choice, I would prefer to have one luxury item over 10 regular items. It gets really bad because my whole concept of price is awfully skewed... Being in the US is just making me worse.... Luxury goods in the US are much cheaper than anywhere else. Online shopping and reverse auction is pushing prices even further down... For most, this sounds like a good thing, but for me, it is making it very hard for me to control myself when a 600 dollar shoe is now only 250. It pushes me to impulsely buy things that I spent ages thinking about before. I keep telling myself, " But it's so much cheaper here.. It will be crazy not to buy it." I know this is all BS but somehow, my brain is convinced by this very flawed and baseless argument. I used to have more self control than this, but the mere thought that i only have a month left in the US and soon i won't have access to all these bargains is making me think even less and act impulsively more.... Oh my....

Brand conscious

2009-04-15T03:43:00.002+08:00

I have a confession to make. I am uber brand conscious. When I look at a person, the first things that I look at will be what bag he/she carries and what shoes he/she are wearing. I would evaluate everything that a person is wearing and try to assess what is the worth of what that person is wearing.

My eyes are super sensitive to the ferragamo ribbon and buckle. the juicy couture keychain, tag heuer watch bracelet for the aquaracer and link, the tory burch double T, true religion logo, and many many more. Throughout the years, I have trained my eyes to recognize these brands as much as possible no matter how subtle the trademark might be. If there are monograms then that is pretty obvious. But if there are no monograms, it is still very possible to recognize the brand that a person is wearing or carrying, because all these major designers have a way of differentiating themselves and leaving their marks in every piece that they create. It is all a matter of recognizing what that mark is. I am no pro at this but I am learning, familiarizing myself with more brands.....

This might sound pretty normal (or not) but what I have is more of an obsession. I might not remember the face of a passerby, but I will most probably remember her LV speedy or tory burch flats, or burberry trench... You get my point.... I just have this weird habit of associating people with the items that they have.....

How did they do that?

2009-04-07T06:12:00.002+08:00

Even though I have known a lot of "super" people, I still cannot stop myself from being amazed at how they do the many things that they do. Where did they get their time to do so many things? Where did they find the talent and the passion?

I am getting ahead of myself here. Who are these "super" people? These are the group of extremely talented, well-rounded genius individuals who can do almost anything and everything under the sun. I know a couple of them. From those who are excellent stage performers/ computer programmers, underage university students/ varsity players to awesome singer/ composer/ scholar/ academic and many many more. The portfolio of skills that they possess are so diverse that it is amazing how a single person can be gifted with such a profound range of talents.

I always wished I could be a part of this group of "super" people. I look up to them and is exerting effort to be like them. Sadly, I am not as gifted as them. Many times I tried to search for a hobby... something I can have a passion for. Countless times I went to bookstores, specialty shops, parks, museums, and even spent days searching the net in search for inspiration to find a new skill I can learn. After every trip, I am motivated to do whatever is the specialization of the place I visited. But that motivation never lasts long. After a while, I end up confused. I want to do so many things, but I don't have the time to do all of them. I tried playing the guitar, singing, dancing, fashion and interior design, baking, cooking, and photography. I haven't succeeded in any of them. In fact, I haven't really picked up any of the skills I had hoped to learn. I am still a boring academic who studies, does homework, and reads a lot.

Up unitl now, I am still confused. What do I want to do? What kind of life do I want? Why can't I be more motivated and passionate about something? Why can't I make up my mind?

Attention Deficiency Syndrome

2009-04-05T11:41:00.001+08:00

Why is it that when people pay special attention to certain others, I get furious inside? I think to myself,"What is so special with that person? Why do people notice her, and dance attention on him/her?" It really annoys me and think that these people have obviously haven't seen much in their lives to be so amazed by this little thing.

I know this mentality is wrong but I can't get it out of my system. I will blame my upbringing for this behaviour, because as a child, fighting for attention was my source of living. Living in a family with so many kids, it is hard to get the attention of the grown ups. As a result, I had to keep doing things to impress them. Sadly, whatever I did was not enough to make a lasting impression. So that trait stuck with me until now.

I hate it when people get ahead of me. I want to be the one that is sought after, the one known to have all the good stuff, who can do all the cool things, and who has access to all the special stuff. I know it's crazy, but that is just how I always envisioned my life to be. I know it is not realistic, but somehow, I wish it were. I work hard to make it be a reality, but I'm not there yet.

Don't get me wrong. I do admire certain people, in fact, I look up to a lot of people. But at the same time, I envy them and work hard to be like them. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.

I know I sound like a self-centered mess, but let me try to defend myself. I just think that nothing comes naturally to me and that I have to work hard for everything. As a result, I want to be given some acknowledgement for my efforts. Also, I want so many things and I know that I am capable of achieving much more but my current status is stopping me. Hence, I have the tendency to live in my own imaginary world. In fact, every single day, I need to spend some time in that imaginary world to keep me sane. Otherwise, I will feel like a total failure and sink into depression. I have had those moments in the past, where I totally degraded myself and hated myself for not being able to achieve anything. That is something really bad for my self-esteem considering I have never really screwed up in my life. Well, as you can tell by now, my self-esteem is the type that needs constant nurturing and is not entirely self sufficient.

Guilty

2009-04-02T05:41:00.002+08:00

Yes, I am guilty.... I am obsessed with online shopping. It is probably the best invention ever, especially now that I am here in LA where the public transportation sucks and I don't drive. I would have gone crazy if I were unable to go to malls here as regularly as I did back in the Philippines or Singapore. But I am fine, because there is a thing called online shopping. I can shop anytime. I don't have to worry about store closing times. I can even survey different prices and buy from the cheapest vendor. I can also find anything and everything that I want that I would have otherwise been unable to find. It feels great. The only problem with it is that it is so easy to buy on impulse. Every thing is just a click away. It makes it hard to control oneself.

I sure have some problems in controlling myself, but I try my best. I try not to buy things that I could easily find in the stores. I only buy those that I have been looking for ages but never seemed to find them in stores. It gives me a reason to buy online. It also helps get rid of the guilt. Haha..." But I have always wanted this, but I just couldn't find it before. Now, I finally found it, I have to buy it. " lol.

This entry makes me think of how spoiled we humans are. Everything is now within reach, we dont even have to leave our chairs. Technology is there and helping us do everything that needs to be done. Just imagine, in the future, everything we need will be a click away. From the food that you eat, to the cleaning of your room, wahing of your clothes. to your shopping spree and so much more. Oh my... This world of ours is breeding us into a group of lazy bums.... It's quite scary...

Sudden bouts of girliness

2009-03-27T11:24:00.003+08:00

I don't know why but I am full of girly vibe now to the point that i am more girly than usual. I know that i regularly have my bimbotic episodes which is why my younger bro said the best car for me will be a beetle, a jazz, or a swift while my sister is perfect for a ferrari. However, these episodes are becoming more and more common. OMG! what has LA done to me!!!! From collecting pink items to impulse online shopping of useless girly stuff. Yesterday, I bought a pink flat iron and curling iron just because I had this vision of myself doing my hair nicely every day. I also bought eyeshadow primer from sephora.com to add to my cosmetic collection. I am also thinking of how to revamp my room to make it even more girly. What is the reason of all this? This wasn't who I was before. I used to be the girl who was more practical. I was the one who carried a black backpack to school everyday for many years. I was the one who was always in jeans and chucks.

I see my changes as unconscious efforts to remind others that I am still a girl deep down despite what my looks or my personality mght otherwise say. This is my way of telling people that yes, I am a girl so treat me like one. I may be buddies with guys, watch basketball games with them, play video games with them, but I not one of the guys and they better remember that.

My favorite cosmetic products

2009-03-25T11:39:00.002+08:00

I am not really a big fan of cosmetics, but all those fashion magazines I read as a teen did have an effect on me. They certainly created the impulse for me to keep a cosmetic kit. My interest in makeup started with my trying to fit in with the "popular" girls crowd. Now, I believe that interest in cosmetics is somehow embedded in the female chromosome and will not go away. Below is a list of my favorite cosmetic products.

1. Shu uemura eyelash curler
- This is an Asian girl's best friend. It makes our little chinky eyes look better. ( Well, it's this plus a lot of mascara.)

2. Lancome juicy tubes
- Gives your lips the perfect pout. They come in really cute colors too.

3. Clinique 3-step facial wash
- Gives your face the cleansing the moisturizing that it needs.

4. Shu uemura cleansing oil
- The best makeup remover on earth. It is lightweight and does not have the greasy feeling. It also washes off quickly leaving your face feeling refreshed afterwards.

5. Guerlain primer
- It is made up of these pearly meteorites things that reduces redness and evens out your skin tone in preparation for makeup application.

6. Guerlain meteorites blush
- This is a genius creation. The powder created by the meteorite balls bumping into each other gives your cheeks a very nice glow.

7. Body shop spa wisdom lotion
- It smells good and is not oily and very lightweight. It lets your skin breathe.

8. Lancome Hypnose waterproof mascara
- It doesn't smudge as easily as other mascaras and it is perfect for short eyelashes. It gives this nice elongating effect. Perfect with the shu uemura eyelash curler. Although you might need another volumizing mascara if you want to achieve the eye effect of the leading ladies in those taiwanese dramas.

P.S. I apologize for these very girly and nonsense posts. I am just feeling really feminine and quite bimbotic right now. lol

MY 2009 wish list

2009-03-25T10:42:00.009+08:00

There are so many things that I want now. I know I have to control myself, but there are just so many nice things out there. There is a recession, yes... but marketeers aren't stopping and my desire for consumer goods hasn't cooled off either. So here is this year's wish list!

1. Tiffany notes round tag bracelet

- There is something about this bracelet that is very appealing to me. It is most probably the charm at the end that writes Tiffany and Co. fifth avenue, New York.

2. Tory Burch Reva flats

- It looks good and super comfy. I tried it on at Nordstrom and fell in love with it. Flats never looked so good on my feet. I want this another color though. As much as I love this color, I am not buying this color. It's not practical. I might get this in black or silver.

3. Coach Heritage Stripe tote

- I just love how it looks!!! It's girly and I can bring it anywhere!

4. Juicy Couture Hoodie

- It is so feminine and I love it's texture.

5 Guess stainless steel watch

- I love its shape. It is big too- just the right size that I have always wanted.

6. A pair of true religion jeans

7. A pair of Levi's jeans

- Whether you believe it or not, I never had a pair of Levi's jeans. My problem with it is that those sold in Asia just don't fit me well. But those sold here in the US have a different cut and they fit nicely.

8. Jimmy Choo Kindle Patent leather shoe

- It looks cute and dainty that can easily go with any outfit day or night!

There is a lot more to this list. I still want so many things. The ones here are the ones at the top of my head. Cheers to consumer goods!!!

"Belonging" revisited

2009-03-13T13:12:00.002+08:00

I went to the California Science Museum earlier today and they had this special feature on illegal drugs. In that section, there were testimonies from individuals who used to be addicts. They stated why they started drugs and what happened afterwards. There was a common point in all their statements. They started drugs because they wanted to fit in. Before, they were the dorks, the geeks, the wallflowers. Once they started doing drugs, they became part of the "in" crowd. Their lives changed. isn't that amazing? All these stereotypes, cliques and power play done in society have caused people to do things that they should not have ever done. All this cruelty and discrimination in the societies we live in have destroyed the lives of so many people. If only we didn't have to belong and people would accept others who they were, then so many casualties could have been avoided. This is a very sad truth that I came across today. I hope this comes to an end.

Belonging

2009-02-27T14:08:00.003+08:00

Have you ever seen a group of people and oh how you wish you could be one of them? The group can be anyone- the school cheerdancers, the basketball players, the preppy chics, the student leaders, the band, whatever. There's just something that draws you to them, but somehow, you just can't be with them. You don't belong with them, or at least that's what people tell you.

I have felt this way lots of times. I stare at this group of people, observe them, see how they dress, how they behave, curious about how they live their lives, wondering how they spend their time, trying to copy them, in the end hoping I could be one of them. I know it sounds pathetic, but sometimes, I just really wish I could fit in with them. Why? because i think their cool. I want to experience what they are experiencing. I want to take part in the things that they do. I want to mingle with the people they socialize with. I want people to view me in the same light as they view them. But trying to fit in with certain groups of people is just not easy. Not all groups are very welcoming. There are certain barriers to entry that give groups their exclusivity. Just think of Blair Waldorf's clique in gossip girl or the Plastics in mean girls. People would do anything to be a part of them, but not everybody is welcome. There are ways to go around the barriers, but I am always met with yet another blockage. That blockage is myself- my confidence, my own perceptions and misconceptions. I get intimidated thinking I am an outsider and hence I have no right to be with them. I always imagine that they will not willingly embrace me. I think they are snobbish and will look down on me. I feel that by joining them, I will be intruding into their personal space. With these thoughts in mind, I end up keeping my distance. At the end of the day, I see new members joining in, old members leaving, yet I am still standing from afar, staring, observing, and hoping......

Beautiful soul -BS!!!

2009-02-24T03:53:00.002+08:00

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul...

Sounds familiar? Well, it is the chorus if jesse mccartney's famous song Beautiful Soul.

The message being sent by that song is indeed beautiful, but in the end it is just a song that people sing.., nobody really goes about trying to understand what it means. It would be nice if such songs were being internalized but they aren't. The purpose of the song might be to get the message across but somehow, people are not getting it. They still don't understand.

The whole concept of inner beauty or beautiful soul is still full of BS. People say that it is the personality that is important but my experience and my observations tell me otherwise. Personality comes out when you try to foster a bond with a person, when you try to connect or make a conversation with the other person. Sadly, it is the pretty and handsome people whom people would want to appraoch and talk to. The others are just being ignored. Without giving them an opportunity to show you their good personality, how could you say their personalities matter?

The whole problem here is the stage from introduction to conversation. Once the conversation starts it is fine, but how to even get the conversation started is a big dilemma. People always look for the good looking ones first. If you are not so pretty, just pray that the other girls in the room aren't too, otherwise, you can wave your chances goodbye. You will just be camouflaged with the wall, and nobody will even realize your existence. You will just go home wondering what happened that night and what u did wrong.. Well, the only thing u did wrong was u aren't born as pretty as them and you attended the party with them, making you look a level below them.

Unfair isn't it? But that is just how it is. That has been the case with me and some other girl friends. My guy friends also admitted to that kind of behavior. Hence, unless you can transform yourself from ugly duckling to swan princess, it would be hard to let your personality shine through.

A dream come true

2009-02-22T15:34:00.004+08:00

As a child, I collected these miniature pollypocket type disney houses. I had Aladdin's palace, the houses of minnie mouse, mulan. snow white, and many more. I grew up playing with these things and how I wished that one day, I could live in places like those. I have long admired the disney princesses. Somewhere deep down, I always wished I were one. I know all this sounds lame and childish, but when I went to disneyland, all these thoughts were once again aroused. I was a kid once again. I was excited to see mickey and minnie. I waited in line for over an hour to see the disney princesses. I skipped the rides to enter the different houses. As I was walking along mainstreet, into fantasy land, tomorrow land, toon town, and all the little communities inside disney land, I felt so carefree and light-hearted! It felt like the best day of my life!

In disneyland, I was free to roam like a child. It did not matter how old I was, I still wore the minnie mouse hat. I still took photos with the disney characters. It was okay to be silly, to pose for photographs, to keep saying "OMG, it's so nice!!!" "It's so lovely!" It was okay to admire the beauty of the princess palace, to stare in awe as Fantasia shoots fireworks from his hands. It was perfectly fine to do as you please. It felt like I was in 7th heaven!!!:)

The only thing that could have made the experience better was if my family was there too. It kind of felt sad when I saw parents carrying their kids around in disneyland. I was envious of the little girls dressed so prettily in disney princess costumes holding their dad's hands, waiting for their time to see the disney princesses. How I wish I had those experiences. I really want to dress up like a princess and live in fairytale land even for one day. But visiting disneyland gave me this light, carefree feeling that made me feel young once again. It had been a long time since I felt that way. Most of my life I was forced to grow up so fast that I missed out on these experiences, but that day, I took a trip to yesterday land and lived my childhood dream!:)

Being a girl

2009-02-20T18:26:00.002+08:00

What does it mean to be a girl? What are the characteristics that make a girl a girl? Is it physical appearance? Human biology? Sensitivity? Brain function? Evidence of certain weaknesses? What is it? The obvious answer might be human biology, but that is not what people see. In reality, the answer is not so obvious. Because guys look for different things. They recognize different patterns and signals that makes them behave like gentlemen, that makes them treat a girl like one. Some of us are unlucky enough to not possess the basic chararacteristics that male sensors are trained to react to. As a result, you are not the one he opens the door for, carries things for, walks home for, or sweet talk to. You are the one who is always in the periphery. You may be desperately needing a guy's help but as long as there are still other girls in the same scene, you are invisible to them. You have no choice but to dwell in your own misery and perhaps blame your genes for why you are lacking in the magic traits that could have turned your whole life around. Well, your arguments against your genes might be partly valid but a greater part of this equation is you decision on what type of girl to be. Are you the sweet, petite, fragile angel that guys want to protect? Are you the foxy, sexy, and flirty siren that guys long for? Are you the strong, independent amazon warrior that guys try to avoid? Are you gothic, emo rebel that guys get scared of? Or are you just a plain jane waiting for prince charming to sweep you off your feet but the prince just happens to take so long to reach the top of the tower?

Based on my conversations with some friends, it seems that the first type is the one that is the luckiest. They get the most attention and their lives are the easiest. They are the ones who could get away with almost anything and everything with just a smile of a bat of their eyelashes. They are the girlfriend, housewife material. The second type are like the cheerleaders and prom queens. Guys like to look at them. Guys long for them because they seem so out of reach, but they are those that are not taken very seriously. The third type will be the class presidents, editors.. girls who thrive in a world dominated by males. They are often left alone because it is assumed that they don't need any help. They look perfectly capable to fend for themselves. The fourth type are those that guys just cannot be bothered with. They seem too complicated, too weird, having too many issues. The fourth one is where most girls would fall under, I guess. These are the ones who occasionally go out on dates. They are next in line in the girlfriend hierarchy. If they choose the right cliques, the right locations, the right clothes, and the right words, they can very well be treated as princesses. So you see, it is just very complicated. Often times you would wish that you were that other girl, but you are not willing to compromise. So you are faced with a tough decision. To change to be the other girl or to stay true to who you are and hope that the guy comes to his senses? Haha. sometimes, the first option will give you results faster. haha:)

Self-Control

2009-02-14T12:53:00.002+08:00

We do not have infinite resources. As in economics, what we can consume depends not only on our preferences, but also on our budget constraint. The modern world has changed that, because there is now such a thing as credit. Credit cards shift your budget constraint further to the right, allowing you to consume more, to purchase more. However, credit cards make it harder and harder for us to control ourselves from spending way beyond our means.

Here in the US, I am trying my hardest to control myself from overspending. Yes, my parents are generous, but there is still a limit to what we could and should buy. A lot of brands here are cheaper than in Singapore. The designs that come here are much better. A lot of brands are readily available too.

When we went to Beverly Center, I was truly in awe as I looked through the windows of the shops one after the other. BCBG, DKNY, D&G, Calvin Klein, Kenneth Cole, A/X, Guess....... and so much more. I wanted to go in every store and purchase a little something... I had a very strong urge to splurge. Everything just looked so good. Same is true when I entered Nordstrom's and The Grove earlier today. How can I resist when both Miu Miu and Jimmy Choo are there welcoming me. As I walk on, I kept seeing all these lovely things.... I was in 7th heaven... The smell of Italian leather, designer perfume, the touch of fine silk and cashmere... they were all so tempting. As I tried on those comfy Cole Haan heels and Tory Burch flats.... How i wanted to hand my credit card to the sales lady.... But I had to exercise self constraint. I had to stop and look away..... and I did..... I reminded myself, I am just a university student who is studying on scholarship. I am not earning a 6 digit salary and neither are my parents. I can afford some luxury but there is a limit to that. Stacey... Control.... You will be able to buy as much as you want of those next time, but not now..... The responsible side of me says, " At least not yet..."

Confessions of a Shopaholic

2009-02-14T12:38:00.002+08:00

It is valentine's day and I spent the day out with my girl friends while on exchange here at USC. We went to The Grove to watch The Confessions of a Shopaholic starring Isla Fisher. The movie was absolutely fantastic. A very shallow, relaxing movie that will give you a few laughs here and there and will make you feel so envious at the end of it all. It is the typical chic flick, which girls enjoy watching not because of the story line but because of the cute guys, the clothes, the jewelry, and the illusion that the kind of fabulous, dramatic, and meeting Mr. Right type of life is very much within one's reach. It is a funny thing why people would love to watch such films. It doesn't have a story, there is nothing good about the acting, but somehow, it creates a certain connection with its audience- a connection letting you know that yes, we know how you feel, or yes, we know what you want to see, or even, yes, we know you would love to be reminded that there are such things. I must say, this is certainly the case with the shopaholic movie. I loved it because I knew what it felt like to be serenaded by designer stuff, to be inside the temples of commercialism. I also loved admiring the things that they are wearing, the way they behaved, and the kind of life that they led. It all looks like a dream come true... However, as soon as you step out of the cinema, you are brought back to reality, that you still cannot afford those Gucci's, cannot have dozens of shoes, would not meet such a great, rich, and eligible guy. For the whole 2 hours that you are sitting in that red cushion, popcorn in hand, you were part of that fantasy. As your eyes are fixed on the screen, you don't see the lead actress. In your head, you see yourself in her shoes. You are the one strolling down manhattan, flirting with your boss, trying on designer clothes..... You wish to be her, you try to be her, but in the end, you must realize that you cannot be her. She lives in fiction, you live in real crisis.

Groove it!

2009-02-06T19:12:00.003+08:00

I just got back from a night of partying and dancing/swaying. It was awesome!!! I am not really the party girl type but ocassionally, I need a break from all the seriousness and set myself free. Tonight is one of those nights. Although I didn't really go all out yet, but I am getting there. lol. My friends back home could testify for how crazy I can really be!

I spent most of the evening on the dance floor. Great right? Who cares if you can't dance?!? Half of the people on the dance floor can't. They just pretend that they do. Haha! The dancing that I did was a bit more than what I normally do. lol. Often times, I just stand and stare. But it was certainly less than what I do when I am alone. Haha. Ask my bro. He "caught" me a couple of times having my own concert in my room. But tonight is a big step for me. It broke down barriers and melted some of the ice around me. It made me not care so much about the people around me. They can look at me funnily or even make fun of me, but I don't care. It's not like we will ever see each other again. Even if we do, I am sure nobody really remembers.

Either way, tonight was really a lot of fun. The place was nice, the music was nice. Not much drinks so there is no headache afterwards, no hangover. I feel a lot better. It's like I just released a lot of stress and tension while I was there. I don't feel as refreshed as when I joined a water fight in Shanghai, but I do feel revitalised now.

Tomorrow is a new day. It better be a good one!

That's what friends are for

2009-02-03T13:08:00.003+08:00

That's what friends are for

by Dionne Warwick

for The Fox and The Hound

And I never thought I'd feel this way

And as far as I'm concernedI'm glad I got the chance to say

That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away

Well, then close your eyes and try to feel

The way we do today

And then if you can remember
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for
Well, you came and opened me

And now there's so much more I see

And so by the way I thank you
Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart

Well, then close your eyes and know

These words are comin' from my heart

And then if you can remember, oh
Keep smiling, keep shining

Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are forIn good times, in bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

Oh, that's what friends are for
Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure

'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for

For good times and for bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

(That's what friends are for)
On me, for sure

That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'

He has moved on and so should you.

2009-02-03T12:52:00.002+08:00

How fast time flies and how fast things change. What once was the most precious thing in the world is now of very little value to those who possess it. Things that I once thought would stand the test of time and distance are now falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold on to it, I cannot save it alone. It's just like trying to save someone from quick sand. I can throw in a rope, but the other person must reach out to it to be saved. Sadly, in this circumstance, the person refuse to be saved. He chose to let go. It is painful, because I try and try...

Just when you thought it would last forever

He comes up to tell you that it is over

You hope that you could turn back time

And revive the old friendship that you most cherished

Sadly, it is now really gone

For he never treasured it as much as you did

To him it was nothing but a passing thing

It is a part of the past and to never look back

He found someone new, more fun that you

He has moved on, so should you.

Forgive this very emo moment. I am just disappointed at how things turned out to be. I guess the past is the past. Things will never be the same again. Distance has indeed taken its toll. This is now bye bye to the old times. I must start searching for something new.

Give me what I want...

2009-02-02T11:38:00.003+08:00

Why is it that there are just some things that we cannot have.. no matter how much we desire it and work for it? Why is it that some things just come naturally to others? Why is it that those qualities that come naturally to you are not those that matter? It really sucks. It feels like the tide is against you.

This has been happening to me for as long as I can remember. It is really frustrating. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for what is given to me, but I seem to have received all the wrong things. Can I ask for a switch? I am willing to trade and add a premium to it.... Just give me what I want.. To let me be who I want to be...

A day in haven

2009-02-02T09:25:00.002+08:00

After being shopping deprived for a long time, (Well, maybe not that long... It's been 3 weeks. nevertheless, for my standards, that is very long. )I got to go to my temple of heaven again. Yesterday, 11 of us exchange students went to Ontario Mills, a huge outlet mall to do some serious shopping! Seriously, Ontario Mills as much as a shopaholic's heaven as it is a devil's den. The Unites States is robbing us of our money!!! Upon entrance, Ralph Lauren, Kenneth Cole, and Calvin Klein were there to welcome us, holding up a huge SALE sign. How can our knees not go weak? Hahaha. I had a hard time controlling my expenditure. I believe I did a pretty good job at it. I could have bought a lot more, but knowing that I will be going to another outlet mall next week, I really had to restrain myself. I ended up buying 3 tops, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 pair of shoes- all for the price of how much I am usually willing to pay for 1 pair of shoes or 1 dress. Ain't it great? The others bought much more than me, but I am not sure if their expenditure is less than mine because of my preference for certain brands and my willingness to pay a certain premium for those brands. From 11:30 am until 7:30 pm inside the mall, my feet hurt, my arms are sore, and my back aches, but it was all worth it. It was a great shopping trip!!!! I can't wait for next week to come, when I get to meet more of my favorite brands:)

A sense of pride

2009-01-27T12:15:00.003+08:00

I know this may sound very trivial but I am proud of it nevertheless. I made my own dinner today!!! As in I cooked dinner! I mean, it's no gourmet meal, but still, it's an edible, stomach filling meal.

After class today, I went to the grocery to buy some turkey burger patty, garlic, beansprouts, and cabbage. When I got home, I rummaged through whatever it is that I have in my refrigerator. In the end, I decided to make myself a turkey burger, stir fry beansprouts, and dumplings. I got myself a glass of cranberry juice and some grapes for dessert. A complete and balanced meal. Haha. This is the start of my many cooking escapades here in LA. Ooooohhh.. I am so motivated to prepare my meals everyday. This not only saves me money, but also gives me something to do. Ain't it great? Haha. I am making positive changes in my life.

I am sorry if this sounds like a lot of babbling and nonsense. I have just always been bad in the kitchen considering my track record of cooking disasters. But not anymore.... I am slowly learning my way in the kitchen!!!! I will break the family "tradition" of only guys knowing how to cook.

Okie, back to my homework. I will keep you posted on other things that I learn to cook!

Chinese New Year Celebration

2009-01-26T06:22:00.002+08:00

It is the Chinese New Year. Great! And what am I doing? Staying home and cleaning up and preparing my stuff for classes tomorrow. Pathetic huh? Well, what can I do? I am in LA and there isn't much Chinese New Year celebrations going on around... There isn't family to celebrate with as well. As much as we try to get the mood going, it isn't easy with no chinese stuff to let you feel the spirit of the occasion.

So here I am, typing along... In a while, I will be catching up on my school work. ( hahaha!!! for someone on exchange, that is a big joke!!!) lol. Oh well, that is just who I am. I cannot not study! I know it sounds so nerdy but it's one of my big sicknesses.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!! I will just have some dumplings tonight to make me feel better. At least I got something chinese. haha. Ta-ta!

It's no longer the age....

2009-01-23T10:27:00.002+08:00

I have always had this weird criteria about the guy I will go out with. He must be at least 2 years older than me. The reason I came uo with this obscure rule is because I tend to me more mature than my peers. Based on my interactions with people my age or slightly older than me, I behave more maturely than most of them. It might be because of the my upbringing or simply because it is not in my personality to goof around and that my sense of responsibility is very strong, but nevertheless, I always end up playing the mother figure- taking care and watching over others. It made me feel good before, but it eventually became tiring. Hence, I decided that the guy I will go out with in the future must be older than me, 2 years sounded to be a pretty safe gap. As time passed by, it slowly got to me that a 2 year age gap might not be enough to bridge the difference in maturity. Basing it on the people I know, most guys who are 4-5 years older than me still do not have the degree of refinement and maturity that I am looking for. This terrified me. Could it be that not even 4-5 years is enough to patch up the gap? Now, I am hoping it is no longer the age that causes this. It is the upbringing and the experiences that the person underwent. It will be based on the values that the person upholds. The 2 year criterion no longer applies. *fingers crossed.

P.S. I apologize for this random post. I just needed to get this off my chest after I had this conversation in my head with a certain imaginary guy. haha. I also needed to kill time. lol

The chinese new year is coming so "Kong Xi Fa Cai" to everyone! I really hope I could be home to celebrate with my family. Sadly, I can't. So for all of you out there who could be home, savour it! Cheers!

Of bus rides, tours, and jazz concerts

2009-01-22T15:59:00.002+08:00

I am slowly getting used to the way life works here in LA. I am no longer as crippled as before. I can actually go places if only what resources to tap into. I finally know how to get to "the grove." It's like a pedestrian shopping district filled with little boutiques. It was a world of its own. Once you are there, you would not think you are in LA. I was mesmerized by the place- the stores, the ambiance, the architecture, the theme- everything! I went on a quick shopping spree when I was there. I was finally able to quench my thirst of commercial goods. hahaha. I swear I will go back there. I will go back for Victoria's secret, bath and body works, and the cheesecake factory!!!!

The first long weekend of the semester has gone by and I decided to spend it in San diego, which is a 2 hour drive from LA. A group of 14 exchange students took a bus to san diego and stayed in days inn. It was a good vacation, but a tiring one for that matter. Lots of walking to do, but it was well worth it. The Seaworld is fantastic, the zoo was okay, and the midway left me awestruck. I did not really appreciate the significance of the Midway. I am sure my lil bro would like it much more. It was supposed to be this fighter ship in the vietnam war where the fighter planes would land or something like that. All I know is that I saw fighter planes and was able to go inside the control tower and see the station of the air boss. There were still other parts of the ship that I was unable to go to due to a lack of time. Pictures will be up in facebook soon!

Tonight, I went to our first jazz night. 10 of us from the sierra and manor apartments went to have a sumptuous dinner at a fancy and cozy restaurant (courtesy of the group funds, i think). We later on went to watch the jazz concert of Jeremy Pelt, at the Jazz Bakery. It was my first time attending a jazz concert and I don't really know how to appreciate that kind of music. Nevertheless, it was a great experience and the music was very soothing. There was this one song that I particularly liked. I did not know the title, but it was very soft and romantic. As the band was playing, I couldnt help but think about the scene of a couple slow dancing to the musuc from a string quartet in a moonlit night in the park. It was beautiful!!! I sure hope to go for more of those in the future. Who knows, I might learn to be a refined music connoissuer. If there is such a thing. haha

I am getting more and more interaction with the locals here. At first, I have been very bad at distinguishing the whites from one another but I am learning. The Asian guys here are pretty cute. hahaha. Sadly, I haven't really gone to meet and interact with them yet. haha. let's wait for other chances. But seriously, I have a lot to learn from the locals. I need to adopt their fun loving and outgoing personality and confidence. Thanks to the grading criteria here, I think I will be forced to learn to be more outspoken, otherwise, I will score zero for my participation marks. I think their ability to speak out is indeed a precious asset. I really need to learn to do that!!!! I am in the perfect environment to learn to do so hence I hope that in a few weeks time, I will be a more confident and outspoken person.

On my own

2009-01-17T03:05:00.002+08:00

My first week of exchange program had gone by and the weekend has now arrived. In this short span of time, I must say, I have experienced a lot of things- new friendships were formed, disputes arose, and decisions were made. I am becoming closer to my roommate now- we chat and watch basketball games together. I have befriended other exchange students whom I met in my classes and welcome dinners.

As always, disputes are inevitable in any situation that requires human interaction. Well, individuals are unique. We have our own ways of thinking and preferences. Sometimes, other people are just not as agreeable to us as others. We disagree with how others do things, to some
extent, even totally disapprove of their conduct. This sure has happened here already.

From my interactions with people in the past week, unintentionally, I have already made a choice as to who I prefer to hang out with. I have decided on how to spend my days and nights, on which activities to take part in, and on what things I want to take away from this experience. This might mean I miss out on a lot of bonding time with others, but it also means building stronger bonds with some or expanding my current network. I was never the type who only wanted to hang out with her kind, nor am I the type who hang out with very wild types. The activities I choose to do or the lifestyle I choose to live may be considered lame or nerdy by many, but I regard it as relaxing leisure. This resulted in me missing out on some gatherings that my friends attend. Sometimes, it hurts to see yourself not in their happy photos, but this has been how I always was. This situation is a result of my own choices. No one forced me nor did anyone purposely outcast me. It's just how I am and I am sticking by it! Don't get me wrong. I am having fun. The basketball game against Arizona State Uni was crazy! People were really screaming their lungs out and their comments were pretty nasty. ( I sympathize with the ASU players, but hurray to Trojan victory! ) The game was intense and I met new people and had fun! I was supposed to attend this party at the row with my roommate and her friends but I decided to stay home and watch AI instead. ( Kara is so pretty! The bikini girl had a major attitude problemo. ) Haha. I am not sure what the other Singaporeans were doing. I think they attended a party, but nevertheless, I just enjoy watching basketball games more. It reminds me of my high school days when we would cheer for our school team like MAD. It also reminds me of those happy moments with my brothers.

Right now, we are deciding on how to spend the day so I better go back to my map.

See ya!

USC spirit

2009-01-15T14:00:00.002+08:00

Classes at USC had already started. I am currently enrolled in 5 classes at Marshall School of Business. I have met all my lecturers and I am liking them so far. 2 of my modules appear to be typical NUS modules, one seems to be one that I have already taken before, and 2 that are pretty interesting mainly because they are very case-based. My lecturers are from all around the globe- New Zealand, Portugal, Italy,and US.

Enough about classes. Let me talk more about the life here. I am staying in a one bedroom university apartment with my roommate from Florida. The different exchange students are assigned to different apartments so we are pretty much spread out around different parts of the campus. I guess this is also good so that we will be forced to interact with locals and adapt to their lifestyles. Transportation sucks here in LA. Everybody has a car. Everybody has a bike too. So I used to walk for a long time just to get anywhere. Luckily, I am slowly learning to get around campus. I know how to take the tram now!!! yey! I also don't need a map to go around campus any more!!! Woohoo!!! That is a big improvement for me considering how bad my sense of direction is. I have tried to get to know more people around as well by attending our floor meeting, welcome bbq, talking to people in my classes, as well as joining orgs. I just joined the fashion industry association. We had the first meeting earlier and it was so interesting. We had the VP of Miu Miu as the guest speaker. The people were also amazing. I was in awe as I listened to them mention names of many designers, enumerate the different collections of the different designers, as well as their in depth analysis of fashion trends. I love fashion in the sense that I read fashion magazines, but they took interest in fashion to a whole new level! I salute these people. I will try to learn from them as much as I could!!!

One thing very special about USC is the school spirit is so strong that I could not help but get into it as well. 2 days into my stay at USC, I already went to watch a basketball against their or rather, our rival school UCLA. I was cheering for USC as if I have been here for a long time. Tomorrow, I am going to watch another game, against Arizona state this time. The school spirit is not only visible during sports activities. They are also very evident in everyday life, as students sport the USC hoodie, lanyards, backpacks, shirts, etc. The 2nd floor of the bookstore is dedicated solely for USC merchandise and so many people are buying it, unlike in NUS, where nobody bothers to even take a look. It is just so amazing. You can really sense that the people here are proud that they are here. I hope to witness more of this strong spirit in the days to come.

The first week of school is about to end and a long weekend is coming up with martin luther king day this monday. I only have a 4 day week since I don't have classes on fridays. Life here is getting livelier now that school has reopened. Fraternity and sorority parties have started and it is free entry for girls!!! guys can only go this week ( introductory week). The different apartments are also holding their different activities like welcome dinners etc. My apartment is having a jazz night next week! I am so excited. While I am here, I am trying to attend as much activities as I can in order to maximize my stay here. There is really so much to do in this school! It is so alive!!!

New year's resolution

2009-01-12T09:44:00.002+08:00

I know this might be a bit too late but I will write it nevertheless. Haha. Just treat it as my chinese new year's resolution. lol!

Yesterday, all of us Singaporeans here in USC went over to the guys' dorm because they were cooking dinner. It was quite embarassing for me because I don't know how to cook and those guys could. I mean this should not be new to me since in my family, the guys cook. Girls in my family were never the submissive housewife type. We did not do household chores. When little girls accompany their mothers in the kitchen, I accompanied both parents to our office and factory; hence, I didn't really learn how to cook and I could not care less. Now, however, it feels quite weird, considering I am going to be living alone, away from my parents. I have to learn how to be independent and that includes cooking for myself. So, my new year's resolution is to learn how to cook. I already got my pots, pans, and cooking utensils from IKEA earlier. haha. This is a start. Cheer me on. Dear friends, I promise to let you taste my cooking when I get back. Haha! Cheers to the new year ahead!

Apparently not....

2009-01-11T08:52:00.002+08:00

It is only human nature to make a lot of assumptions about things we do not know or are unsure about. Often times, these assumptions are faulty yet we do not bother to correct them. We still blindly believe them until they lead us astray. This has happened to me a lot of times, yet I haven't learned my lesson. I am still making that exact same mistake over and over again. Today is no exception.

I just moved to LA temporarily for my exchange program and thought that it would be easy. I never really considered a lot of things before making my decision. I just assumed that going on exchange will be an experience, would make me grow as a person, would look good in my resume, and would make my family think differently of me. These were all that were in my mind the moment I applied for the exchange program. Many more important things that are important variables to this equation have been assumed to be zero. Among those variables include costs, trouble, loneliness, responsibility, as well as family's concern. Now, as I was walking around and adoring the very beautiful USC campus, it suddenly occured to me. Is it easy to live here in LA? Is it worth all the trouble and cost to get here? Am I really better of coming here than staying in Singapore? To all these questions, the answser could very well be " apparently not" if I do not get my act together and maximize my stay here. Yet, many things that I see around is making it very hard for me to do so.

I was shopping for school supplies earlier and I was shocked at how much everything cost me despite buying all second hand text books. Tax here is insanely high!!! Inside the bookstore, I saw parents accompanying their children buy USC labeled items such as pullovers, hats, shirts...From the eyes of the parents, it is evident that they are indeed very proud and happy that their children are there. They help their kids pick up stuff, carry the stuff, with occasional words of encouragement like " It's okay, dear...blah blah blah" That sight is now stuck in my mind as if I pressed pause while watching a video in my head. Thinking about it now, I am unable to stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks. It was a beautiful sight, an event that I truly miss. When was the last time my parents accompanied me to the school, even just to buy stuff from the school bookstore? They stopped doing that a long time ago. I don't blame them for it. And I know it is too much to ask considering I am studying in a foreign country. Singapore then and now US. Yet somehow, after seeing the situation inside the USC bookstore, I cannot help but wish they were there too.

I used to think I was a tough girl when I made the decision to leave my home country. I thought that I am the type who wouldn't be homesick. Apparently not.... Now that I am away is when I realize how much I wish they could be here too and how I look forward to seeing them. At this point I cannot help but reminisce the incident at Changi Airport before we boarded our flight to LA. As all my other friends were there surrounded by lots of friends and their whole families, I was with my sister only. It's not that my family didn't want to be there. They just couldn't be there, for obvious reasons. I may be away from Singapore for only 5 months, but I will be away from my family in the Philippines for a much longer period of time.

Thoughts on the plane

2009-01-09T14:20:00.000+08:00

Two more hours till I reach LA. I am really getting very restless. Up until now that I am already aboard my flight, I am still having mixed feelings about this long trip. One side of me is very very excited that I finally get to experience freedom. This is a perfect opportunity for me to grow and mature even more, to learn to be more independent, to train myself to handle new experiences and challenges with more finesse. On the other hand, however, I am very reluctant. I will be thousands of miles away from home. This will be farthest I have ever traveled to, as well as the farthest I’ve been away from my family. I know, I am currently based away from the Philippines and will remain to be so for a few more years, but somehow, this exchange program to the US feels different. I guess it’s because I don’t have any family member around and I am not that easily accessible to them as well. I mean, unlike to Singapore, flights to LA from the Philippines do not fly every day. Also, the traveling time has dramatically increased from 3 hours to 16 hours.

Why did I want to go for this exchange program any way? To say I did it mainly for the education will be a big fat lie. I want to tell myself that is the reason, but somehow, I cannot get myself to believe it. I think the main reason will be for the growth opportunity as an individual. I will really have to take care of myself here. There will be no one to look after me. I will also have to stand up for myself. No one will be around to speak up for me. If I encounter a problem, I will have to find a solution to it on my own. This opportunity is my main driving force. I want to test my capabilities of surviving in a foreign land. I want to see that if in the future, I decide to seek for greener pastures across the Pacific, I will be able to. I need to make sure that I will be able to let go of family attachments in pursuit of more success. It does not mean I will cut off ties with people at home. I will value them very much nevertheless, unconditionally. All I am saying is that I will not let homesickness get in my way. I believe that my parents would not ask me to give up opportunities just to stay home and accompany them. Of course, the best case scenario would be if all of us could be together seeking for a better life but many circumstances prevent it from happening. I will remain rooted to my family. Being able to live with them all the time and see them daily is definitely a plus, but not a requirement. Of course, they are welcome to join me
anytime.

I actually feel funny typing all these things down. Before, I would never have doubted my abilities to live and explore alone, but recently, circumstances have changed. My priorities are taking a 360 degree change, for the better or for the worse, I am not yet sure. In the past family trip, I became more clingy and I was more emotional in my last semester in Singapore. Homesickness recurred more frequently. Am I finally becoming a softie? Or has this been the real me all along that I was so scared to expose? Nevertheless, this trip will be above all, a test of my will power and capabilities for independence.
By the time I am able to post this in my blog, it will be a bit late already, but I am typing anyway, because I am bored on this extremely long and tedious flight!!!

Frustration

2008-12-12T11:03:00.002+08:00

What is it with designers lately? They come up with ridiculous designs thinking that people will go and buy them, but the opposite happens. People shun their unwearable "masterpieces" and stores have to put them on sale, lowering prices by as much as 50-70% just to get rid of their stock. Even so, they are still unable to get rid of all of them. They also don't put up new lines until they get rid of their old stock. They think that if people see the old designs long enough, they might actually begin to appreciate them and buy them. Sadly, this is not the case. At least not for me. In the past, going to these retail temples gave me great joy. I love trying on new clothes, looking for new interesting buys, but nowadays, I only get frustrated. The same styles have been there for ages. There isn't anything new. It's not that I am not willing to spend. There just isn't anything worth spending on.

What's next?

2008-12-11T23:06:00.002+08:00

If I'm no longer on top, will you think less of me?- This line has been presiding over my status in msn for the past month and until now, this question still bothers me. I am too used to being on top, being praised and applauded that I am worried about what would happen when I fall. Who will be there to catch me? Will people still view me in the same way they have in the past? I am afraid and really worried.

I am thinking what else is there in my life worth paying attention to. Once I lose my "throne" what else will be there for me? What's next for me? I don't see an answer. It seems that all the while my whole existence depends on it. It is my lifeline. I know it sounds extremely pathetic. It never occured to me how bad the case was until recently, when I began feeling that my past prowess is slipping through my fingertips. I need to find a new output of passion. I need a hobby or a skill or something that I can hang on to. This time around, I want it to be more permanent. I have no musical or crafty talent so all I can depend on now would be words, a little bit of creativity and maybe photographs. But I don't know. That kind of thing doesn't run in the family. We are all more pragmatic people. We don't dwell on passion or one's true calling. We go for what we feel is appropriate or acceptable. I guess it is time to change that.

It is time for me to finally accept that there is more to life than academics. I have known this fact for a long time, but I never acknowledged its reality. Now, I really have to. Otherwise, my view of this world and of life would be too narrow. I won't be able to move on to pursuing other interests unless I learn how to let go.

This is me

2008-11-13T02:45:00.003+08:00

This is my new favorite song mainly because I feel like the lyrics were written just for me. I can totally relate to the plight of the singer. The song is entitled "This is me" by demi lovato and joe jonas in the movie Camp Rock.

I've always been the kind of girl

That hid my face

So afraid to tell the world

What I've got to say

But I have this dream

Right inside of me

I'm gonna let it show, it's time

To let you know

This is real, this is me

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now

Gonna let the light, shine on me

Now I've found, who I am

There's no way to hold it in

No more hiding who I want to be

This is me

Do you know what it's like

To feel so in the dark

To dream about a life

Where you're the shining star

Even though it seems

Like it's too far away

I have to believe in myself

It's the only way

This is real, This is me

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now

Gonna let the light, shine on me

Now I've found, who I am

There's no way to hold it in

No more hiding who I want to be

This is me

You're the voice I hear inside my head

The reason that I'm singing

I need to find you, I gotta find you

You're the missing piece I need

The song inside of me

I need to find you, I gotta find you

This is real, this is me

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now

Gonna let the light, shine on me

Now I've found, who I am

There's no way to hold it in

No more hiding who I want to be

This is me

You're the missing piece I need

The song inside of me (this is me)

You're the voice I hear inside my head

The reason that I'm singing

Now I've found, who I am

There's no way to hold it in

No more hiding who I want to be

This is me

This song is so empowering. It has lifted me up a couple of times in the past and I know it will continue doing so in the times that I hit rock bottom once again.

Being thankful

2008-11-13T02:17:00.002+08:00

I have been so stressed lately caused by a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Well, I am always paranoid and overexaggerating bad situations. I am trying to work on it but at the moment, there isn't much progress. Well, the semester is about to come to an end. I just celebrated my birthday and I had a lot of birthday wishes from a lot of people, even from those whom I did not expect will even bother to greet me, so I think a little gratitude is in order. That's not the main reason this blog is being written though. I am stressed lately and I have been a bit depressed too. In fact, I was talking to my best friend about how life has changed so much that it has become insanely competitive that you have no choice but to fear for yourself. Life is also so complicated and that so many things are happening on top of one another that the burden is too much to handle. We even talked about taking sleeping pills, anti-depressants, tranquilizers and whatever just to calm us down and prevent us from hyperventilating or getting nervous breakdowns. Another friend of mine suggested to list down the great things that have been happening or the things that you have done as a reminder of the good things in life and to give you a reason to keep moving forward so here I am, typing away.

My major concern now is my grades that are not looking very good after 50% of cumulative assessment for the different subjects. Okay, I tend to exaggerate that and my standards are a bit too high on this but still, I know I could have done better if only I were more motivated and had better groupmates. Now, I have to work harder for the finals to try to mitigate the situation. I know this sounds so nerdy but I have always been a bit too grade conscious to the point that it is not very healthy. Despite my attempts to always tell myself that grades do not mean a lot, the lesson fails to sink in. I still put on a lot of weight on studies. I guess this was how I was brought up.

Setting that aside, let me talk about the good things that have been happening.

I had a great birthday!!! My day was welcomed with a lot of sms, emails, IMs, and wall posts of birthday wishes. I had a record number of greetings this year. (thank you friendster, multiply, and facebook for the constant reminders.) I had 2 great birthday meals. I received fantastic gifts and I really had a blast!!!

The second thing is that i realized, now that I am farther away from my family physically, the closer I am to them emotionally. I am happy when my brothers send me instant messages out of the blue. I am happy when my mom sms-es or calls me. At least I don't fight with my sister so often anymore. It is also great that I got to talk to my dad recently. I can't believe I will be so emotional about this. haha:)

The third thing is that in 2 weeks time I'm a free man!!! haha. My finals will be done and I can get on with my life.

Next, I am looking forward to going on exchange. I am so excited about meeting new people and experiencing a new life there. The best part is I don't have to worry about grades there but knowing me, I will most probably still worry myself to death. :P

I am also beginning to re-live a lot of fun childhood memories that I forgot I ever had. Things like goofing off, chatting and gossiping with cousins, eating junk food with rice or noodles, non-stop snacking on dried seaweed, watching a lot of teen shows in nickelodeon and disney channel and a lot of other things.

Lastly, I am getting to know myself more and I am slowly learning to let go. Although I still stress myself a lot, I realize that I have been feeling good about myself more often than before. I am still very envious of a lot of people and I still occasionally hate myself for not being up to par, but I am slowly reaching peace with myself. Let's just hope it continues on.

Well, that's about it.

Sorry for this long, senseless blog. Once again, thank you to all the people who greeted me on my birthday and to those who celebrated with me or for me. Everytime I read one greeting, I smiled once. :)

A new resource called "you"

2008-10-19T15:02:00.002+08:00

Guess what is the newest most exploited resource in the 21st century. It's "you". Yes, as in you and me. Companies have been exploiting us and we don't even know it.

A new trend in businesses nowadays is called online self service. You might think of it as convenience, but in fact, it's self service. Companies allow you to order online, buy online, participate in forums, set up discussion groups, etc, to let you do the work. They no longer need service personnel to attend to you. They let you do it yourself and you happily oblige. They twist it in such a way that it appears to be a luxury, when in fact, it is a task. Think about it. Take buying a plane ticket for example. Before, airlines need personnel to sit with you and help you choose a flight, book a ticket. Now, you go look for a flight yourself and book the flight yourself through their website. They are saving a lot of costs by passing the work to you. Isn't it great? Instead of introducing the different products to you and explaining their functions, they list everything down in their website and you go read it yourself and decide for yourself. Your labor results in cost savings for the company which may or may not result in cost savings for you.

There are a lot of other examples. One of which is technical service. If something is wrong with a software, you should call up the service personnel, but nowadays, we go online and look for discussion forums first. We try to solve the problems ourselves first. If we cannot solve it, then we call the company. Do you know that this activity saves the companies a lot of money? Companies no longer think of providing solutions to problems. They simply procide platforms for the public to solve the problems themselves. It's brilliant. It's amazing how it works. People hate it when they have to do things themselves on a normal situation, but here, they gladly to do it voluntarily.

This should make you think twice when you feel happy that you can find everything on the web. You are happy because you get the info fast. The companies are happy because they don't need to spend so much money to give you the info.

Delivery

2008-10-19T14:48:00.002+08:00

Why do you call for food delivery instead of going out to get it yourself?
1. Because it's too far away.
2. It's too much of a hassle to go out.
3. It's raining.
4. I'm too busy to go out, but I'm hungry.
5. It's too late at night and I don't want to go out aymore.

These are just some reasons I can think of, or at least these are my reasons for ordering take-out. However, delivery service is so bad that the purpose of calling for delivery is lost. Imagine you are hungry and it's raining so you call for delivery. The operator then tells you it will take 1 and a half hours, or she says they don't deliver because it is raining. How would you feel? By the way, this is a true scenario from McDonalds delivery service.

I will be extremely pissed. First, 1 and a half hours is too long and by the time it reaches me, i'll be starving. Secondly. 1 and a half hours is too long to wait for fast food. The food is not worth the wait. The movie I am watching would already be finished even before my food arrived. Also, I am ordering because it is raining and it's too much of a hassle to go out. The operater will then tell me that they don't deliver? Isn't that what delivery is for? If people cannot leave the house then they can still get what they want to eat? I am trying to be understanding, but there is just no acceptable reason for the poor delivery service. 30-45 mins waiting time is acceptable. I can tolerate that. Anything more than an hour is ridiculous!!!

Out with the old, in with the new

2008-10-16T11:18:00.003+08:00

My MAPP results just came out and it said that I am a person who is strongly motivated by change and variety. Sadly, this isn't an inherited trait, which means that my family members will not necessarily possess the same trait. In fact, the more elderly people in my family resent it. They want to stay in their comfort zones and never change. They'd rather be tied up in old dogmas that are no longer applicable in the modern world. I think this is mainly because they have been so locked up in their own worlds for far too long. Since their university graduation, they have been doing the same things. None of them really left home and tried to do things differently. They all readily submitted themselves to the way things were run at home. They accepted things as a given, as constants, when in reality, they are actually variables. This is precisely why no improvements can be seen after so many years.

Funnily, they have been very encouraging in letting us kids go out to the world and try to explore to learn more and expand our horizons. However, they are not receptive to our inputs. We tell them modern ideas and they say we still have a lot to learn that's why we are saying such things. They refuse to consider that their reasoning is flawed and outdated. It is quite insane and ridiculous. I think they should all really go out more and learn more. Being cooped up under one roof for a long time is not healthy. Blockage of information occurs.

They must change their mindsets already. Times are changing and in order to remain relevant, they must embark on the change bandwagon.

The Road to Greatness

2008-10-14T22:03:00.002+08:00

I am currently taking a class on genes and my professor shared a very interesting video to us. The video talks about schizophrenia and its effect on people. I know, sounds boring right? But that's not the main point. The video mentioned about the correlation between schizophrenia and brilliance. Before we go any further, let us define what schizophrenia is.

According to Wikipedia, it is a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality. Upon hearing this definition, we might immediately think of all the weirdos in this world, from the crazy man talking to himself on the sidewalk, to the people in mental hospitals and rehabilitation centres. However, there are many schizophrenics who have actually made huge contributions to our world in the fields of art and science. The most famous schizophrenic that we know is probably the great mathematician John Nash who is the subject of the movie Beautiful Mind played by Russell Crowe.

Many researchers believe that out-of-this-world creativity and brilliance is actually closely related to schizophrenia and other neuro-biological disorders. In fact, Ludwig van Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Charles Dickens, and Albert Einstein, among others, all suffered from a form of neuro-biological disorder or another. (at least according to the documentary shown in class)

Isn't it amazing? Don't shoot me for destroying the image of a man that you idolize or look up to. I am not saying they aren't brilliant. In fact, if they were perfectly normal people, they would probably be unable to produce such brilliant works. Their disorders enabled them to see things in a very unique and surprising way.

The moment I finished watching the video, I immediately said, " I want to be schizophrenic, then maybe I can be a bit more creative." This astonishing discovery made me look at sufferers of mental disorders in a different light. Sure, the disorders had some bad effects on people and they may have even ruined the lives of millions of sufferers who didn't have their big break in the creative world, but still, these disorders had contributions to our society. Like almost everything else in the planet, schizophrenia is also a double-edged sword. It can lead a person to absolute insanity or be the road to absolute greatness.

What your favorite color says about you

2008-10-11T22:35:00.001+08:00

Many of us will feel drawn to a certain color. Things just look better in that color and somehow you wish you can just have everything in that color. But why? Why is it that we have a color preferences? Why is it that we just find some colors more appealling, more aesthetically pleasing? My original guess is that it has something to do with our personality, that we relate certain with certain things that match our identity. Well, it seems that there have been people who have been searching for the relationship between colors and personality and they have made some discoveries.

My favorite color is pink. Here is what experts have to say about me.

Pink: This color embodies the gentler qualities of Red, symbolizing love and affection without passion. Women who prefer Pink tend to be maternal. Pink desires protection, special treatment and a sheltered life. Pink people require affection and like to feel loved and secure, perhaps wanting to appear delicate and fragile. Pink people tend to be charming and gentle, if a trifle indefinite.

Now let me try to assess how true this is about me. Well, it is around 75% accurate. Don't ask me how I got that percentage, I cannot explain. It's just based on gut feel. Anyway, the description above appeals to the inner me. It is not what most people say about me when we first meet. Even for people whom I have known for a long time, they wouldn't necessarily agree with the above description. Actually, I would have also felt that the description is bluffing me, until recently. I used to believe I was the strong, indepenent type of woman who can survive on her own and conquer the world. My family and friends thought so too. It was not until I began listening to myself and letting myself to be more vulnerable that I realized, I am actually a softie. I may have been strong before but that was just an act. I get tired too and every now and then, I do need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to.

You must be wondering why I didn't say it is 100% accurate. That is because, I am not a pure softie. There is a part of me that is driven and ambitious. A part of me wants to take risks and play with fire. It is not a huge part of me but that burning spirit is inside of me.

I guess this is how all of us are. People are complex creatures and our personalities can have two or more conflicting sides, although one side will be more dominant than the others. And this is precisely what makes people interesting and what makes the interactions among humans such an interesting field of study.

If you want to know about your color, just google it. You can also find it at http://www.care2.com/greenliving/favorite-color-personality.html.

Cheers! Enjoy your road to self-discovery. :)

A new beginning

2008-10-11T11:38:00.000+08:00

I have once again began a new blog. I am not sure how many blogs I have started before and failed to continue through, but I am hoping this one will be different.

A new beginning is unfolding in my life. A turbulent storm has just blown past my life which took me on an emotional roller coaster. But that is all over now. I am a renewed person, this time a much better person. I have embarked on a journey to find myself and appreciate my gifts. I am no ordianry woman and I will not settle for just fitting in. I used to have a lot of self-esteem issues, mostly because I always bring myself down. I underestimated my capabilities and over-estimated those of others. I ranked myself at the bottom of the talented list and I have dwelled in my own misery and despair. But all those are things of the past. I have the willpower to change and I will make sure I do.

I am here to show the world what I am capable of and I will not let anything bring me down. I am the master of my own destiny!

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley

OUT of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.